Vacations Galore:)

This weekend I'm going to Atlanta to visit one of my best friends. I can't wait! It's going to be nice to get away for a couple of days. Then I have work for 3 days before heading to Orlando for a week with my husbands family. I'm REALLY looking forward to having a week off and hope that I get to relax some. Since I'm still on BCP I can drink as much as I want too:P Yay for summer!

I'm on week 3 of my pills and have to go pick up another pack sometime next week. I couldn't wait any longer and decided to make an U/S appt with RE to check on the progress of my tennis ball:P I just need to manage my expectations for when my next cycle is going to start. I'm also curious to find out what they want to do if it hasn't shrunk at all and I'd like to know BEFORE going away for a week. Emotionally I'm doing better with it all but I think I'm more numb than anything. I'm so sick of waiting!

I know this may be a horrible thing to say but I really want to skip straight to IVF right now. I know of at least 3 people that tried IVF and got pregnant the first time (all recent too). I know they went through everything I'm going through now but I'm just so freaking impatient. Insurance doesn't cover IVF and I certainly don't want to take all the meds and go through each procedure if I could get pregnant with IUI but I'm just frustrated:(

Also, I looked into starting acupuncture and made an appointment for next week. When I talked to the lady she said to double check that our insurance covers it because anyone can find her name on the health insurance directory (which was news to me). I called my ins. company and unfortunately it's not covered... at all. They do have a discount options program where participating acupuncturists give 10-30% off their services but it's not something I'm prepared to shell out the extra money for right now. J was great and said if it's something I really wanted to do and prices were reasonable we could still look into it but for now I'm not going to pursue it. Oh well...

Guess that's it for now. Just praying for great news next tuesday but will enjoy my weekend away in the meantime!:)

1 week down...

So after tonight's pill I've finished the first week of bcp. Only 4 more to go! I'm doing better with everything and am taking advantage of this forced break. It's going to be a hectic next few weeks so it will be nice to not have to worry about when I ovulate and when to schedule the IUI and beta and all that. It's also amazing how much better I feel. My body doesn't really tolerate all the hormones too well. I've gained about 10lbs since starting everything with the RE in January. I'm ALWAYS bloated and my clothes no longer fit. I also had many side effects from the clomid (hot flashes, nightmares, moodiness) and prometrium (sore breasts, moodiness, bloating, etc) so it's nice to not be on either of them. While I can't wait to start the next cycle and I'd rather have the side effects than be on a forced break, it is nice to feel more like me. The only problem I have on bcp is a tendency to get headaches in the evening. I started getting migraines after I went on BCP at 19 and now seem to get them when I'm stressed. After I stopped taking the pill in Aug of 08' there was a noticeable drop in the number of migraines and headaches I got. Hopefully I won't be experiencing any of that on this month of pills. And hopefully this will be the only month of pills I have to take.

I think the hardest part about this is that I have no idea if the cyst is shrinking or not. I work best when I am able to manage my expectations. The reason I took the news of the cyst so poorly is because I REALLY didn't expect it. I take hpt's way too early and up until my beta so I can manage my expectations of a BFP. I hate the not knowing. I wish I could have an in-home ultra sound machine so I could check on it myself every couple of days:P Just praying for the best for now...

So when are you going to have kids?

Luckily I haven't had to hear this question much but recently I hear it a lot. I'm going to be 27 in September and married for 3 years in June so I guess people think its "time". It's such a hard question for me to hear because to the outside world (or at least most of it) it's just assumed that we're not trying yet. But for me when I hear it, its just a reminder of how long we've been trying. It sucks. I usually just answer "hopefully soon" and leave it at that. For my closer friends and family, I've said "we're trying but my body isn't cooperating" and leave it at that. I think most people get the picture and then that way they know not to keep asking me.

On top of finding out about the stupid cyst and going on bcp for a month, I've had 4 different people ask me when I'm going to start having kids this week. Out of any week in the past 13 months of us trying, it had to be the week when I'm on bcp and on a forced break. Grrrr!

Today I talked to one of my friends from high school. We were best friends for a long time and grew apart as the years and school and location separated us but we try to stay in touch. She asked a few months ago about when we were going to have kids and I gave my usual "we're trying but its taking longer than expected" schpeel (sp?) but she asked how things were going again today. I don't mind talking to her about it but I didn't go into great detail about everything we've been doing. She asked me if I ever thought about charting and if I had heard of the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". She said one of her friends was charting and taking her temperature as a birth control method and accidentally got pregnant (missed a high temp or something). It was just funny to me because I'm so far past that stage but at the same time it was comforting to hear other people doing that and to hear that it's something she thought about doing when she eventually started ttc. I told her she could have my copy of TCOYF when it was time and highly suggested charting so I'll have to see if it's something she ends up doing. I made sure to tell her that the 28 day cycle with day 14 ovulation was a load of crap and that if she started charting before actually ttc she'd have a much better idea of her cycle and the optimum timing. I'm glad I can be knowledgeable about it all but I really wish that I was one of those people that could just think about being pregnant and end up with a baby 9 months later. I wish I had the naiveté that some people get to enjoy.

Tennis Ball

So I got really bad news at my monitoring appointment yesterday. When doing the u/s we found a GIGANTIC cyst on my left ovary. I really mean huge too. It was 6.8cmX5.2cm which is the size of a tennis ball. I was sent to get blood work to determine if the cyst was estrogen feeding or not. If it wasn't, I was instructed to start clomid that night. If it was, I was instructed to to fill a prescription for birth control pills and take them for a month. The bcp should help shrink the cyst. And, with my luck I had to fill the bcp prescription:( What made it all worse was that I couldn't even hold myself together until I left the office. I started crying when I got my blood drawn and just looked like a complete idiot. The nurse was very understanding and nice about it but I just felt ridiculous. I know that a month isn't that long to wait in the scheme of things but I remember taking birth control for 2 weeks between one of my cycles and it almost killed me. A month of it is going to be really hard.

On top of that, I'll be on vacation the week I should be getting AF so I have to take an extra week of the pills to make sure I'm home in time to get CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. I'm trying to think positive about it all and I guess it will be good that I can drink while on a trip to visit a friend in Atlanta on Memorial Day weekend and I won't have to worry about going on any of the rides while in Orlando. That's only minimally comforting though:(

I hate you IF and all your unexpected new "developments".

My First Post!

I've gone back and forth a lot recently about making a blog. Mainly because I don't think anything I have to say is so interesting that it warrants an entire blog but I think it will help me with my frustrations with infertility.

That's right, I'm infertile-- or so says my medical diagnosis. J and I have been on quite a journey so far and I can only hope and pray that the journey will soon result in a pregnancy. I figure I should give a little bit of background info and then see where this thing takes me.

Let's see.... J and I met the day I moved into my college dorm freshman year. He was helping my new room mate move in. Over the months and years we became really good friends and after almost 4 years of friendship we started dating. We got engaged in July 2006 and married June 16, 2007. It was one of the happiest days of my lives and I would relive it over and over if I could (just the day, not the planning!). We decided before getting married that we would wait at least 2 years before starting to have kids.

I went off birth control in August of 2008 so that my cycle would be "regulated" before we started to try. I also had a feeling that it wasn't going to be so simple so I wanted to figure out what was going on with my body. I went on birth control at 19 because my periods were extremely irregular. My gyn at the time said birth control would fix that and never mentioned that it could be a problem in the future. So, it wasn't very surprising when I went off the pill and didn't get my period again for 6 months. I actually called my gyn after about 3 months and asked if it was normal but was reassured that since I had just gone off the pill, it was. After another 3 months (6 month mark) I scheduled an appointment with my gyn to figure out what was going on with my cycle and also have a "preconception" visit. She told me that I probably was ovulating but just not getting a regular period. She said I was still young so there's tons of time. She prescribed provera to induce my period and her advice for J and I was to try, and try A LOT. Not exactly what I wanted to hear since I had a sinking feeling that it wasn't going to be that simple.

After a summer of trying and trying and not getting my period again since taking provera I made an appointment with a new gyn for my yearly exam. Over the summer I had started charting so I'd have "ammo" to go into the appointment with and prove to the doctors that I wasn't ovulating. Luckily, I didn't even have to bring it out. The new gyn listened to my concerns, ordered a bunch of bloodwork and did an ultrasound. Based on the b/w results and ultrasound I had classic PCOS symptoms. EEEK. He prescribed me clomid in November and said if I'm not pregnant at the end of the month to call him and we'll try again. After taking the clomid, researching it more, and not getting pregnant, I made an appointment with an RE. In December J and I met with the RE to get our full medical history, more bloodwork, an HSG and SA for J. In January we started my first monitored cycle of clomid, ovidrel and progesterone suppositories. Negative in January.

RE gave me 2 weeks of birth control to take in between the next cycle so I didn't get to try again until March. This time it was 100mg clomid, ovidrel and progesterone. Again negative. In April we were going to try 50 mg clomid, ovidrel and progesterone with a possibility of bravelle to boost the follicles. I went in on day 9 and had 1 good follicle and was already starting to ovulate so my first IUI was scheduled for the next day. I was so excited and thought "this is it!" but at 12dpo I got a negative hpt and at 14dpo I got a negative beta.

So after alllll that, we're up to now. I'm on CD2 today and go in tomorrow for my first monitoring appt of the cycle. I'm praying that it's all clear and if so I'll start 50mg clomid tomorrow night.

I guess that's it for now. I have a lot more to say but I can save that for tomorrow or another day:) Thanks for reading!