My IVF cycle has officially started...kinda:P

So I've been spotting for weeks now and while I'm not 100% sure when CD1 was, I'm counting it as the day that the spotting seemed a little heavier than normal:P So, today is CD 3. I called my nurse to get dated for IVF and I start birth control tomorrow night!!! I hate that I have another 21 days to wait before everything else starts but at least I'm getting closer to everything:) My nurse ordered my meds and I should get them by the end of the week (thankfully it'll be Jan 1 when I start bcp's so insurance hopefully won't be an issue). I also scheduled my mock transfer for 1/7... this (or next if you're J;)) Friday!!! J and I have to go through all the paperwork for deciding what to do with any extra embryo's (fingers crossed) that we have and sign all the consent forms so I'm hoping he'll come with me to my appt on the 7th so we can do that. Then it's a couple more weeks before stims start. My family will be happy to know I can go on that ski trip:P

This is what my nurse sent me... med list and then protocol with est. dates:
21 days of Birth Control pills
Ganirelix or Cetrocide
Bravelle and Menopur
Lupron for Trigger
Zithromax (have to look up what this is for)
Estrace
Endometrin suppositories
Prenatal vitamin

1/1-1/21- Birth Control Pills
1/7- Mock Transfer
1/22- Pre IVF evaluation bloodwork (E2, P4, beta) and ultrasound
1/25- If all is normal on the 22nd, start stims (150 bravelle/75 menopur)
Once follicles >14mm start ganirelix
2/4- approximate trigger
2/6- approximate Egg Retrieval
2/9 or 2/11- approximate egg transfer

Looked up my estimated due date for IVF protocol and if the ER is on the 6th my EDD would be Oct 30! Happy Halloween;)

I am SO freaking excited!!! J is so nervous and still seems so upset about all this. I'm just hoping things go smoothly and we get some great news mid February. :) Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas has come and gone this year. It has such build up and then flies by and before I know it I'm looking BACK on it. Like today, the day after christmas. We spent this year visiting with all our families. Started the celebrations at my dads the weekend before Christmas. Had a blast rough housing with my brothers and just hanging out with everyone. Then after another week of work we went to mom 1's for Christmas eve. Got to hang out with that side of the family, snuggle with my 4 month old cousin and do our gift exchange. That night we drove down to J's parents house to spend the night. Woke up early christmas morning and exchanged gifts before heading over to mom 2's to celebrate with that side. Had tons of fun with them, saw "Little Fockers", and had dinner. After that we headed back over to J's family's house. We were supposed to celebrate with his sister/brother in law and our nieces today but because of the snow they cancelled coming down and we drove home last night:( I spent the day putting things away and preparing for our holiday party. It's been another wonderful year and I LOVE that we get to see everyone!

Despite the awesomeness of it all, I couldn't help but hope and pray it was our last as a childless couple. I've been on provera and finished my last pill last night. I've been spotting the entire time I was on the pill so I'm hoping AF comes soon so I can start BCP's. I am definitely at the age where people start or continue to have kids but I feel like every time someone has a baby, I find out about someone else who is announcing their pregnancy. It's never ending updates and countdowns. I love it for them but it feels like I'm constantly being lapped. I realize that getting pregnant is not a competition but it's getting harder to hear about the babies being born to someone else. My "aunt" just had her baby today. She posted pics on facebook and it just hit me so hard. I just said to J "I really want a baby". He just looked at me with these sad eyes and said "I know, me too".

The other night we were driving home from somewhere and after hearing a song on the radio J just said something about really hoping this IVF cycle worked. He didn't say anything else and I had expected him to elaborate some but he didn't. And when I looked over he was tearing up. I HATE that this is what IF is doing to him. I want to give him a baby more than anything in this world. I can't wait to make him a father. I pray that 2011 is our year and that by mid February we'll get to see those beautiful 2 lines or the word "pregnant". I want to spend 2011 planning for our baby and then at the end of the year celebrating halloween, thanksgiving and christmas with our baby. I need this to be our last christmas without a baby. I don't even want to imagine a life where it's not:(

The other thing that IF has stolen from us is our ability to plan our lives. While at my dad's my siblings decided to plan a ski trip for sometime in January or February. We all went to Killington a few years ago and it was a lot of fun. While we weren't trying to plan something as extravagant, IF still crept its way into screwing with the plans. As you can imagine trying to plan a day when 6 people are all free was quite difficult. I stayed pretty quiet while they all chose days because from the start they wanted to plan it for at the end of January. If all goes as planned, I'll be nearing the end of our first IVF cycle at that time. I finally spoke up after J convinced me I should. I just said that I couldn't do that and of course my brothers were like WHY NOT?? I said I just couldn't but I don't really know when I can. After trying to guesstimate on my own I told them any time before the 22nd. Hopefully that's right? We eventually settled on the 18th. That's just a small example of how IF screws with our ability to plan. I'm a planner so it sucks!

So anyway. Merry Christmas to you all. Hopefully you have a fantastic new year. I'm just hoping AF shows up tomorrow!:P

A step closer...

Had my non menses check this morning and as suspected, nothing is going on with those lovely ovaries of mine. Lots of antral follicles but non seeming to want to do ANYTHING. My lining was still kind of thick so I have to go on provera to get my period and then on day 3 I'll start bcp's.

Just a short update but that's where I am... 10 days of provera before starting bcp's which officially starts my IVF cycle:)

Allllmost there..

After the last cycle ended and after I got most of my pissed offed ness over with... I enjoyed Thanksgiving and an amazing week catching up with old friends and my crazy family:) We've stayed busy and will continue our crazy busy lives through the new year. My upcoming IVF cycle has been on my mind but not nearly the way I expected it to be. My biggest concern is that AF wouldn't show up within a month and it would delay when I could start BCP's and therefore delay the IVF cycle. I called my nurse earlier this week and she said that I can come in next week for a "non menses" check up. If everything looks ok then I can start provera that night to induce my period. Once AF shows, I get to start BCP's for IVF! I can't wait:) I really can't wait to get the schedule. I'm going nuts not knowing when things will be (I know it's tentative but even that's better than me guessing right now). So I'm enjoying my last few med free days. Enjoying my weekend where I plan to drink A LOT. Enjoying my Christmas celebrations that start next week.

I'm determined to enjoy my last Christmas with Jason as a childless couple. Yes I would have enjoyed having a baby or being pregnant this Christmas but I'm confident this will be our last so I want to make the most of it. I'm determined to make 2011 a better year and one that doesn't revolve around doctors appointments, shots, dildo cams, and turkey basters. I'm hoping it will be filled with picking out baby names, designing a nursery, u/s appts to look at the baby growing inside me, and welcoming a sweet baby into our lives. I.can't.wait!

Happy Holidays everyone!!:)

Never thought we'd end up here

This last cycle was a big fat NEGATIVO. Meaning that despite having 4-5 follies released and over 30 million spermies trying to meet the egg, my fvcking body can't get its act together enough to have even 1 fertilize/implant. RAFREAKINGDICULOUS.

Thankfully we have IVF to fall back on. I was very excited about it but right now I'm pissed off. If you asked me last year when we first met with the RE if we'd be here I thought there was no chance. I remember thinking, well good... I can just take this pill and that will get me pregnant (clomid). I remember being so excited that I'd be pregnant this year (2010). I was so naive and so stupid.

I stupidly looked up my phantom due date each month and fantasized about when to tell my family the great news. I stupidly thought it would work "this time" because the dosage was changed, or the sperm count was better, or I had more follicles... or ??? I stupidly talked about it constantly in the beginning because it was all so new and so hopeful. I stupidly picked out baby names and bought diaper bags because we'd need all that stuff soon anyway right?

So STUPID. Now we're doing IVF. Last stop. Last chance (x4). I'm putting everything I have into it and I hope I don't come out of it with another post like this.

We don't start until January because that's when the insurance kicks over but I will start birth control in December. Our odds of it working are 50%. Way better than the measly 12-20% chance of each IUI. I'm "lucky" in that I've done IUI's with injectibles before because I know what to expect for IVF. It's a few more meds and one intramuscular shot. I can handle that. The egg retrieval surgery is outpatient and I was told I could likely go back to work the next day (we'll see). Then depending on the quality of the embryo's we'll transfer either 1 or 2 back (likely 1). Piece of cake right? Yeah... so STUPID I bet:(

I'm so hopeful and yet so scared that we'll find out that something else is wrong with me which is what's been preventing me from getting pregnant all this time. But, for now, I'm going to enjoy my med freeish next month. I will still be taking , prenatal vitamins, Metformin and the BCP's once they start but otherwise, I'm med free. No shots, no bloodwork, no ultrasounds! If I had the option I'd jump right into the IVF cycle now but since I don't have that option, I'm going to enjoy the perks of not worrying about it all.

8dpo

I have 2 posts that I want to do but I feel like crap today so I'm going to hold off on them. I'm 8dpo today and don't really have any symptoms other than the fact that I'm nauseous all.the.time the past 2 days. I know it could be some kind of bug or the progesterone so I doubt it has to do with anything pregnancy wise, it just sucks:( I don't know when I'm going to test yet. We'll be with J's family all weekend so I don't know if I want to test this weekend. Either way, I don't want to have to hide how I'm feeling around them. I will probably wait until Monday to test but part of me thinks if I waited that long, why not just wait till my beta on Tuesday. So... I don't know yet:P

We had our IVF consult with the doctor on Monday (1 of the other posts I'll do) and he *knocked on wood* hoping we just got pregnant with 1 this cycle. I probably released at least 3 eggs so he's concerned, especially since J's numbers were so good. We'll see. I just hope it works this time!!

Fingers crossed...

Gold Star!

I had my 6th and final IUI this morning. I triggered 2 nights ago. That morning I had lots of follies. On the right side I had one at 18.4, one at 17.0, one at 16.9, and one at 15.0. On the left I had one at 16.8 and 14.9 and 13.2. I think I'll have 3 maybe 4 mature follies... hopefully. I don't want multiples but I want as many targets as possible:P J's sample was AWESOME this morning. He had 36 mil total sperm with 86% motility:) That's his best sample yet! The nurse and doctor were impressed and the nurse suggested putting a gold star on the printout of the sperm wash stats:P

I'm really happy today and have a lot of hope for this cycle. My beta is on the 23rd and I know it's going to be a long 2 weeks. I just pray that this works and I pray that the threat of IVF has made my body get its act together:P

Fingers crossed!!!!

Almost trigger time!

So I'm about midway through my cycle for IUI #6. The baseline showed no cysts (yay!) and I went in this morning for my second follie check. As of this morning I have a 17, 2 16's, 15, 14, and 11. I was told not to take any medicine tonight and then go back in the morning. I have a feeling I'll trigger tomorrow night but I'm not 100% sure. They just better not cancel the cycle:P I'm a little worried about my estrogen level. It's low again... 172. Hoping it will jump up as the follie's reach maturity so we'll see. Finger's crossed that things look good tomorrow!

On another exciting note, J finally got his benefits info for next year:) The medical plan that includes up to 4 IVF attempts is still an option so we'll be signing up for it this week! That means that if this cycle doesn't work, we can definitely do IVF in January:) I feel so much better having that to fall back on. It also looks like the coverage for when we actually have a baby is pretty good too. OB prenatal care appts are $25 for the first visit and fully covered after that. Then the hospital stay will cost $125... thats it! After the baby is born, all the well baby visits and immunizations are fully covered! I'm so thankful that J has a job with such good insurance coverage. I know we're very blessed!

Guess that's it for now. Next time I update I'll probably be in the 2ww!:) (My last one of 2010... and hopefully for many years (until we want to try for #2:P).

Not this time

Had my beta yesterday for IUI #5 cycle. It was negative. Not really surprised. I had a sliver of hope because of the nausea, tiredness, starvation, hot flashes, etc from earlier in the week but that must all be from the Met. AF started today so I go in on Monday and I'm just praying I don't have any cysts. I'd like to do our final IUI cycle for this year in November and have our IVF consult sometime during that cycle. Then, if that cycle doesn't work, I'd like to start bcp in December so I can be ready to stim right away in January. Can you tell I don't want to waste time?

I haven't cried once since finding out that I didn't get pregnant this time and I don't think I will. I really feel so numb. It's just so routine at this point. It is insane how much medicine I've injected (or swallowed or inserted) into my body in the past year. It's insane how much I have to take again this cycle and if I have to do IVF, the box of meds that's going to arrive on my doorstep scares me. Honestly, I can't wait to just do IVF but the PIO shots scare the hell out of me:P I'm used to the nightly shots in my stomach and pills and suppositories and visits to the RE for U/S and B/W but the PIO shots scare me since I hear they hurt like crazy and your butt is bruised like crazy:P Hopefully I won't have to deal with all that though. This next IUI should work right?? Maybe, possibly, hopefully...

Will I Ever get to see those 2 lines??

This is what I saw this morning at 12dpiui. I'm pretty positive IUI #5 was a bust:( My beta is on Friday and I'll get my official nail for the coffin then but I already know what to expect. With all the "symptoms" I've been having the past few days I was actually hopeful. Silly me. I haven't cried, or even let it phase me this time. I'm just ready to start the next cycle. We have one left before a break in December and then IVF in January. I'm going to make an appointment sometime in November for an IVF consult. J couldn't be more ready for IVF either. We're both sick of disappointment and doing the same thing over and over.

That said, hopefully adding met will actually do something good for me and I'll get pregnant next cycle. I upped the dose to 1500mg last night. Hasn't been too bad but I woke up sweating and I didn't even have the covers on me! It's weird to have to take a cold shower during the fall! I slept horribly; woke up about every 2 hours last night. I think that mainly had to do with how excited I was to POAS. I told myself I wasn't going to do it until I was supposed to get up for work because I knew that if it was positive and I did it at 3am I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. While the excitement and amazement of it would have been awesome, I wouldn't have made it through my work day in one piece with only a few hours of sleep:P So when I could finally get up at 6am I POAS and then took a shower. Felt 100% better once I was cooled off. Saw nothing and continued on with my day like the fact that I've been trying to have a baby for 18 months is completely normal and the reality of having yet another cycle full of blood draws, ultrasounds and countless injections is just what people do to get pregnant.

Now I get to wait for AF and PRAY PRAY PRAY for no cysts on day 3. Here we go again...

Bleck!

I feel like I'm going to puke! And I've felt that way for a good 2 days (including today). Eating helps and I haven't actually gotten sick but this feeling is awful! I think the met is doing a great job of kicking my butt and it's not even too bad compared to the stories I've heard from other people. I can eat whatever I want and last week I was STARVING all the time. I definitely didn't lose 5lbs:P I'm supposed to up my dosage again tomorrow night to 1500mg. I'm a little worried about how that's going to make me feel:( I thought I was doing so well!

Today is 10dpo. I don't have any symptoms unless you count being tired ALL THE TIME and being starving/nauseous symptoms (which I don't cause I think it's all the met). I don't really have a desire to test either. I am going to test on Wednesday at 12dpo and that's it (unless it's positive and then I'll be peeing on everything;))

It would be awesome to get pregnant this time and I feel like everything was "right" this time but I don't want to be too hopeful. Too much of a let down otherwise.

So here's hoping that all these met side effects are actually pregnancy symptoms!;)

Already in the 2ww

My 5th IUI was last Friday, so I'm 4dpiui today! This cycle went by in the blink of an eye. I had my IUI less than 2 weeks from my beta last cycle. I triggered Wednesday night. That morning I had a 22mm follie and a couple at 12.4mm. My estrogen was up to 271! Pretty excited about that:) The IUI was fine. A little more painful than usual and had some cramping afterward but it wasn't too bad. J's sample was ok... 13mil and 78% motility... the progression was better this time too. So... I'm hopeful.

I started taking Metformin last week as well. I know it won't do much of anything for this cycle but if this cycle doesn't work, maybe it will do something for the next one. I'm starting 1000mg dose tonight. I've been at 500mg without any side effects so I'm hoping the next step up won't have any either.

So... if this cycle works, which I pray it will... I can tell everyone around Xmas (though family and close friends would be before that). And I'd be due July 8 2011:)

Please Please Please let it work this time!! we only have 1 IUI left:(

Speedy Cycle!

This cycle has flown by! I went in for my first follie check yesterday (day 6) and I already had a follie at 16mm! I was told to double my dose last night and come in again today. When I went in today it was up to 19mm:) I had a couple other ones but the largest was only 13mm so I think I'm only ending up with one follie this cycle. I got the call this afternoon to do another double dose tonight and then come back in tomorrow morning. My estrogen level was up to 251 today which is awesome. Usually my estrogen is pretty low so I'm happy to see it this high.

Not sure what's in store for tomorrow. I'm assuming I'll trigger tomorrow night for an IUI on Friday (or Thursday if I'm already ovulating). Either way... One quick cycle!

The blessing or curse of this cycle is that I'll know if I'm pregnant by the time Halloween comes around. We're going to a pumpkin carving party as well as to a friends house for trick or treating and I'll be surrounded by adorable kids the entire weekend (ranging from 5 months to 3 years). I'm hoping I'll be pregnant and not have to deal with the feelings of being the only couple there that STILL doesn't have kids... and if I'm not, I hope I can just push that aside and enjoy the weekend.

Fingers crossed!:)

Long time no blog...

Sorry it's been so long since I updated! Well last cycle was a bust. I wasn't too surprised and took it pretty well. 2 days after my beta AF showed up so that was nice since I didn't have to wait too long to get things going again. I went in last Friday for my baseline check and thankfully I didn't have any cysts! It's weird to just be able to start the next cycle right away. I'm so used to delays and forced breaks that it's nice to just keep moving along. The plan is the same for this cycle. Bravelle, Ovidrel, IUI #5, progesterone. Tomorrow is my first follie check after taking Bravelle for 3 nights. Hopefully I have some growing:) Fingers crossed that things go smoothly this cycle.

After getting a negative Beta I was talking to (emailing) a friend about it all and how I just don't understand why this hasn't worked yet. She suggested looking into starting Metformin and possibly doing lap surgery to see if there's anything wrong with my ute or tubes that didn't show up on the HSG. My doctor didn't prescribe metformin initially because I'm not insulin resistant and I responded to clomid. But, since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, I brought it up with him to see if it was worth trying now. He said that it doesn't hurt anything to try so I'm going to see if it does anything. I just want to feel like I'm doing everything possible. I'm not looking forward to the nasty side effects but I'm hoping to lose some weight! As for the lap surgery, I think its a good idea and hate the unknown but at this point J and I aren't willing to have a break cycle for it. We have 2 IUI's left for this year before we switch insurance plans next year. If either of these last 2 IUI's don't work, we'll discuss doing the lap with RE during December since we can't do any treatments that month anyway. Hopefully we won't need to go there though:)

I'll try to be better about updating. September was a crazy busy month for us though. I'm LOVING this fall weather and am looking forward to the Halloween festivities planned... though it will be kid filled which may turn out to be tough to handle if I get BFN this cycle (if I have IUI when I think I will, I'll get beta right around Halloween). Hopefully I'll have great news though!

6dpiui

So I'm 6dpiui today. I have absolutely no symptoms, which I'm not necessarily complaining about. These past few days have flown by because I've been busy helping with my friends wedding planning, then doing wedding stuff all day Friday and Saturday. J and I got up early this morning and drove 5 hours to the OBX for our week long vacation. I'm sooo glad I just get to relax this week! I'm exhausted and can use this time to rejuvenate.

I *think* I felt myself ovulate on the day of the IUI. I had some pain in my ute area today as well but other than that, no symptoms. I'm hoping that's a good sign and I'm hoping that having this week of relaxing will help my body do what it's supposed to. The only thing I'm concerned about is that I was jumping up and down a lot yesterday while dancing. I don't know how/why I didn't think about it last night but if I get a BFN this time I'm going to wonder if thats why. I'm probably being overly paranoid but I'm kind of worried about it:(

I think I'm going to start testing on Saturday. That will be 12dpiui so I should have a better idea of what it will be and can let myself down slowly if it is negative. But... I'm all about positive thinking this time. This IS going to work for me this time!

IUI #4 Complete!

I had my 4th IUI this morning. It was easy peasy and even less painful than usual because I remembered to tell the doctor I have a tilted uterus. Usually I forget that part and then (painfully) realize after they go searching for how to insert the catheter:P J's sample wasn't as good this time (12mil, 77% motility) but I know that's because we weren't sure when to have sex. We kept being worried that I'd have to trigger the next night and then mess everything up but guess that shows how much we know:P It only takes 1 though! I had one follie at 19.1 yesterday and 2 around 14mm. I did a double booster of bravelle last night and then triggered.

It was kind of unexpected that I was going to have the IUI today though. I went in yesterday and planned to trigger last night for the IUI on Tuesday. I was hoping that they'd let me go one more day to let the 14s catch up but when they called yesterday afternoon, my body had other plans. Already started ovulating on my own so I got to trigger and come in this morning.

So now I'm in the 2 week wait and go back in for my beta on the 4th. Luckily I have wedding stuff and then a week at the beach to get me through:) Hopefully the relaxing next week will be good for implantation too;) Oh... and it's my birthday on Friday! Happy 27th birthday to meeeee:) Definitely thought I'd be pregnant by now but hopefully I'll get a BFP for my birthday:)

I ordered a Petunia Pickle Bottom bag last week. I've ordered a couple of things in the past from them and just stuck them away in the closet which I'll do with this bag too but I'm hoping I get to use it very soon. The fabric for the bag was discontinued about 2.5 years ago but it's my favorite so I checked to see if they had a larger bag in the same fabric stashed away somewhere (I already have the clutch but it's too tiny to use for a newborn). And... because it was discontinued I got it for a nice discount too:)

Here's a pic:) Love it and can't wait to use it! Until I get my BFP (In 2 weeks;)) I don't plan to buy anything else. :)

1st Follie Check

After 3 days of Bravelle injections I had my first follie check this morning. I'd say it went pretty well. I still have fluid in my ute so hopefully that will go away soon. Doesn't really surprise me since I've been spotting for like a month straight and AF seemed pretty light but I'm not spotting anymore so I don't know what that means. As for my follies, I have 3 in the lead at the moment. One at 14.1mm, one at 13mm and one at 12. So I get to do another 2 nights of Bravelle and then return to the doctor on Thursday morning to check the progress. I hope that the 3 follies grow grow grow! I'll do whatever is needed but I'd love it if the IUI was on Sunday or Monday as opposed to Saturday but I'm not picky. :)

I was reading 999 Reasons to laugh at infertility and I loved this post. I sometimes need to repeat this to myself. All the treatment can overwhelm my life at times but it's so important to remember this:

You are more than your infertility.

You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.

You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.

You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.

You are a timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker, a pregnancy bump spy.

You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher, an ovulation charter.

You are a fake pregnancy symptomer, a Clomid side effector, a Facebook pregnancy spy.

You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector, a fertility drug addict.

You are hoper, a believer, a person who won’t give up-er.

You are a strong woman.

Infertility does not define you.

IUI #4 Here we come!

I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger and haven't updated recently. I've been crazy busy but with lots of fun stuff. In the midst of it I was able to start my next cycle. I was on BCP for 3 weeks even though a cyst check at 2 weeks revealed that the cyst had shrunk enough to start the next cycle. I went out of town the past 2 weekend so in order to make sure I was around for all the monitoring appts I needed to go to I just stayed on the pill. Finished it last sunday and AF took her time showing up but finally did last thursday. I started 75iu of Bravelle on Saturday (and again sunday and today). Tomorrow is my first follie check. I'm pretty excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what to expect but I'll take some growth as a good sign:)

I'll try to be better about updating the rest of the cycle but fingers are crossed that by this time next week I'll have either had or will be triggering to have my next IUI:) yay!

Oh... and if I got pregnant this cycle I'd be due on our 4 year anniversary. What an amazing anniversary gift that would be!

Break Cycle Hell

I'm stuck in limbo but I'm already in my 2nd of 3 weeks of BCP's. The beginning of last week sucked and I just felt depressed and like I didn't want to do anything. As the week went on it got a little better and I'm doing MUCH better now. Still irritated but I've been busy and trying to focus on other things so that helps.

Ironically, one of the things that I've been "distracted" by was the birth of my 2nd cousin. She was born last Thursday so I went to visit her in the hospital, then visited with them on Saturday and then again today. I spent part of today shopping with my cousin to get props so I can do a newborn photo shoot for them next week. Holding that sweet baby girl has been surprisingly comforting. I'm not nearly as jealous or neurotic as I expected to be and I absolutely love being around my cousin and her little girl. I changed the baby today and my aunt commented on how "natural" motherhood came to me. Not the first time I've heard that and it just makes me excited for the day when I actually become a mother myself.

Other than that, I've been in last minute planning stages for my best friends bachelorette party next weekend. I'm now excited to be able to drink as much as I want that weekend. I don't have to worry about awkwardly explaining why I'm not drinking and I don't have to worry about giving myself shots or anything like that that weekend.

I'm excited for next month as well. I feel like it's going to fly by and luckily (as long as all is well at my baseline appt) I'll be able to do the IUI without it interfering with anything. The best part is that I'll have so much going on that the 2ww will be full of distractions! Just have to get there first! I have so many things to look forward to next month! Bachelorette party, visit to OH to visit a lifelong friend, Baby shower (actually excited since I'll get to see family I haven't seen in forever), Best friends wedding, BEACH for a week in OBX!! Awesomeness:)

Oh! And I talked to J about changing our medical coverage for next year. Currently our insurance doesn't cover IVF but I read on J's company's website that they cover 4 IVF rounds. We have to wait until October to see what our medical insurance options are and I'm praying that we find one that actually does cover IVF. Well in talking to J tonight, he's very confident that one will, it's just a matter of signing up for it. That makes me feel MUCH better about this whole thing. I'm semi-confident that one of the next 3 IUI's will work BUT if they don't, knowing that insurance covers IVF will make me a little less upset. Also, if the timing works out, I probably won't have to wait for the insurance to kick in since the IUI cycles/birth control cycle for IVF would fill up the next few months. I'd love to not have to use that but it would be nice to not worry about it.

I apologize if I don't post much in the next couple weeks. I've been pretty busy and with being on BCP there isn't much to update. Hope everyone is doing great and I just want to give a shoutout to all the ladies on the Bump that have gotten their BFP's this month!! Congrats ladies:)

Forced Break cycle

I had my baseline ultrasound on Monday morning. I was so excited to get the next cycle started and loved that I only waited 1 day for AF to show up. September is going to be crazy busy for us so I was excited to get one more cycle in before all the chaos.

I went in, the tech stuck the dildo cam up my vag and I saw it. I saw a glimpse of it. My heart sank as she found my ute and measured my lining. Then, she moved the cam slightly to the right and there it was. Another HUGE freaking cyst (this time its 4cm x 4cm). I know what that means and my pissed off at the worldness gets worse. She tries to comfort me and then prints out pictures of the cyst to show the doctor. When I walk out of the room he says "Well there's good news and bad news. The good news is that this means you ovulated and you ovulated well. The bad news is that not every ovulation results in a pregnancy (no shit sherlock) and that you'll need to take a cycle off so the cyst will shrink" I already knew the bad news part and honestly, the "good" news part didn't make me feel any better. I still didn't get pregnant and to make things worse, it resulted in me NOT getting pregnant this month either. He put me on birth control for 3 weeks and told me to come back in when AF shows up again. I held it together as the nurse gave me the prescription and as all the ladies waiting for u/s stared at me wondering why I was so upset. I held it together as I paid my copay. I held it together as I walked to my car. The minute I got into my car I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop. I cried on and off the entire way to work. I stopped crying long enough to call J and let him know the news but got off the phone pretty quickly because I was going to start crying again. When I got into work I would tear up almost every time I said something out-loud. It's really hard NOT to think about so I'd cry any time I thought about it (which was a lot). I told a couple friends and they were amazing. SO supportive and frustrated right along with me. I'm so thankful that I have people I can share this journey with. I cried because of their amazing support:(

As the day went on I tried to stop crying and to think of the positives of the situation. Originally I was freaking out that we'd have to take September off too since we're going to be out of town 3 out of the 4 weekends in September. Luckily, after pouring over my calendar, it should work. I just hope my body keeps things moving at a quick pace (IUI anywhere between CD 10-17 would be perfect). So I was happy about that. Over Labor Day weekend I'm going to OC for my best friends bachelorette party. If we had proceeded with this cycle I would have been in my 2ww and wouldn't be drinking. That would have been pretty tricky to explain and not something I was looking forward to dealing with. That said, I would have LOVED to have had to deal with it. Instead, I can drink as much as I want and it won't matter. There's not even a minuscule chance that I'd be pregnant that weekend. So... bring on the liquor!

Now I'm 2 pills into my 3 weeks of pills and while I'm not any happier about the situation, I don't cry about it anymore. This whole process has been so emotionally draining and to have set backs like this makes it even worse. I hate "sitting on the bench" more than anything and that's what I'll be doing for the next 3 weeks:( UGH.

Be Careful What You Wish For!

So I got the results of my beta yesterday afternoon and all I could hope for was my next cycle to start as soon as possible. I hate that period of time from when you find out you're not pregnant but can't start your next chance to get pregnant (next cycle) until you period starts. It's like sitting on the bench, which I HATE. I always want to be doing something to be trying to get pregnant and the limbo between negative beta and my period showing up is the worst for me. It's why I look forward to my period each month because I know thats the beginning of my next shot at getting pregnant.

Well I got my wish. Today is CD1. WOW did she show up with a vengance. J and I were out shopping this afternoon when she showed up and the cramps were so bad that I didn't even want to go into the LOFT. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and take some advil! BUT... I'll take it... Monday morning I get to go in for my baseline appt and barring any horrible news (like having a cyst) I'll start my next round of injections:) Let the fun begin!

This evening we babysat for some friends while they went out to celebrate their anniversary. They have a 7 month old boy. I was a little nervous about how he would handle his mom not being around since it's the first time both mom and dad haven't been around. He did GREAT though! Didn't cry once the whole night. Ate all of his food with no problem (rice cereal apparently isn't his favorite but he ate it like a champ!). Other than a little explosive diaper episode the night was a breeze and I was in baby heaven as he fell asleep on my chest after playing all night. Luckily our friend did pretty well too. She wasn't loving the idea of leaving him but she enjoyed dinner and just gave extra snuggles when she got home. I had so much fun tonight but most of the evening I couldn't help but think "Why can't I have a baby of my own... I'm so good at this!" Maybe this cycle?? We really want a May-By:)

Oh... and since I do this every cycle, if I got pregnant this month I'd be due May 21, 2011. Perfect! Bring it on:)

Big Fat Fvcking NEGATIVE

UGHHHHHHH. I hate Friday the 13th! I knew that it was negative since the tests I've taken over the past 2 days were negative as well but I'm still pissed off. I'm not even sad today, just pissed off at the world. I haven't cried once today (which is good since I normally cry on and off all day the day of my beta) but I'm just so annoyed:( I know I have to be patient and that our time will come... but it's been 16 months of waiting. I'm pretty sure my friends are going to have their 2nd kids by the time I get pregnant!

Praying my period will show her pretty face asap. I want to get the next cycle going asap because I'll be out of town labor day weekend and I don't want the IUI screwing with that.

Hope you're having a better Friday than me!

Longest 2 week wait of my life!

The past week and a half has dragged on FOREVER. It feels like my IUI was 2 months ago at this point and the wait to find out if I'm pregnant is now driving me crazy. I still don't really have any symptoms. Every now and then I'll get a twinge in my uterus or feel nauseous for no reason, or even think I have super-human sense of smell. YES I realize that those last 2 aren't pregnancy symptoms until you're a lot further along and that they are just phantom symptoms designed to torture me. I usually try to ignore my body during the 2 week wait but this is getting a little ridiculous. I just want it to be friday already! I tested yesterday morning at 9dpiui to make sure the trigger was out and that little pee stick was stark white. I'm not sure when I'm going to test again. We'll see if I have the will power to make it to 12dpiui which would be Thursday.

Ready to fast forward to Friday!

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin', Planning and dreamin' each night

In honor of Dinner for Schmucks I use this title. Yes the song has nothing to do with infertility and the line is incomplete but those lines describe exactly what these past few days have been like for me. I'm currently 4dpiui. The IUI on Saturday was fine. I was a little annoyed because I had to go down to Rockville since the IUI was on the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I was VERY happy that I didn't have to take off work AGAIN but it took up most of our day. Luckily since it was the weekend J went with me. His sample drop off time was at 11 and the IUI was at 12:30. After the drop off we had lunch and got a speaker dock for our iPhones. Then, we went back to the office so I could get sperminated:P J's sample was pretty good again. This time he had 25mil sperm post wash and 78% motility. When he heard what it was he was a little disappointed because he had done so well last time but I tried to reassure him that those were still great numbers. So I'm hoping I had 3 follie's release eggs. J is way more into getting it "done" this time and has been telling ME when we're supposed to have sex. I appreciate the change and I pray that I'll have good news for him next week.

My beta is on Friday the 13th. I'm trying to think of it as a lucky day for us and it's also our niece's birthday. Currently I'm having a few phantom symptoms but I'm not paying attention to them. I have sore breasts (started at 2dpiui so I know it's just the progesterone I'm taking) as well as some cramping and twinges around my ovaries. It fluctuates which side but it happens at least 2-3 times a day. That happened last cycle as well and obviously it didn't mean anything so I'm not going to think it means anything now either.

I bought more FRER tests today since they were on sale but I need to go to the dollar store and get more tests soon. I think I'm going to start testing on Tuesday. Partially to test out the trigger and partially to ease the let down of a potential BFN. I feel like this week is dragging on but we'll be busy all weekend so hopefully that will help the time pass more quickly. We're going to my niece's birthday party this weekend. I'm excited but I dread the possibility of my sister-in-laws friends asking me (again) when we're going to start trying to have kids. At her 4th birthday party last year I had imagined having a baby in my arms at her 5th birthday party. Yet another example of how much IF sucks.

For now I'm just Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',Planning and dreamin' each night....

IUI #3 Scheduled

I triggered last night for my IUI tomorrow! I love that this cycle wasn't forever long. It seems really fast but I'll take it! Yesterday I had 3 follies that would likely release an egg. One already mature at 18.9, one at 15.9 and one at 15.2. Hopefully the last two catch up just to up my chances but I'm hopeful with the one already being mature. My lining was good at 10.1 and my estrogen was 201. That's the only number I was worried about but I've been reassured that its perfectly fine so I'm trying not to stress.

So tomorrow morning we have to drop the sample off at 11am. I'm so glad I don't have to miss work but since the IUI is on a weekend I have to go to the office that's an hour away as opposed to the one that's 15 minutes away. J didn't want to go to the office to give his sample so we get to carefully transport it to Rockville:P Then my IUI procedure is scheduled for 12:30. Luckily J is going with me so I think we might get lunch or something like that between the drop off and IUI time.

Fingers crossed that this is the lucky cycle!!:) This 2 week wait is going to drive me crazy! I think I'm going to have to go to the dollar store again and get some more tests.

Day full of Doctor's Visits...

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment for the cycle. It's only CD 6 so I knew not to expect anything to be mature yet but luckily I have a few promising follie's (largest already at 15mm!) My RE came into the ultra sound with me and started talking to me about what to expect for the next few cycles and talked a little bit about IVF with me. He offered to meet with me right then but he was "on call" with all the other women getting monitoring done so I decided to wait until my appt at 2:45 so we wouldn't be interrupted.

After the doctors appointment I went to my cousin's house to see her nursery and baby gear. Her baby shower was this past weekend so I was excited to see everything together and set up in the room. It was adorable of course and made me excited for the day when I get to decorate a nursery and have a house full of "gear". Then I met a friend and her 6month old son for lunch at P.F. Changs. It was delicious and fun to play with him:)

Later I went to my appointment with the RE. I was pretty nervous because IVF had been mentioned a few times so I was hoping he wasn't going to say that was the direction we should go. I think the nurse was a little confused about why I wanted to meet and actually had a packet of information on IVF ready for me including a prescription for BCP's. EEEK! Thankfully, I went in to talk to the RE and while he didn't have an explanation for why the past cycles haven't worked yet, he was very optimistic about it working at some point. He said we're basically playing at chance right now and while it hasn't worked yet, I have ovulated each cycle and that was the issue. 85% of couples conceive within 6 months of trying. Right now we're on cycle #5 with help (which is what counts since before I wasn't ever ovulating). My insurance covers up to 6 IUI's so he suggested exhausting those before moving onto IVF. That was my plan anyway but he was pretty confident that it would work eventually and we may not even need IVF. He's already happy with how this cycle is going too which makes me feel good (especially since the last cycle was HORRIBLE). So I left feeling encouraged and with a renewed "I can do this!" attitude. More than anything he stressed that if I feel like I'm getting to the point where I can't continue because of what it's doing to me emotionally, I need to let him know and we could discuss moving onto IVF since it has a much higher success rate. BUT if I could tough it out and keep going with what we're doing, he thinks we'll be successful. SO... good news for that.

And right before I left he told me to do one more vial of bravelle tonight and come back in the morning. He predicted 3 more nights of injections before it was time to trigger. If that's true, that would be perfect since the IUI would be this weekend! I'd love it if I didn't have to take off more time from work:)

So all in all a good day. Tonight I had to give myself my first injection. Up until now J has been doing them for me. I syke myself out too much and just don't feel like I can do it myself but he's out at a movie with a friend tonight so I didn't have a choice. It actually went pretty well and I'm confident I could do it for myself from now on if needed. Hoping for good news tomorrow morning!:)

IUI #3 Here I come!

My baseline appointment was this morning and thankfully there were NO cysts to be found. I've been convinced that I had at least one on each side but the tech said that the twinges I was feeling was probably because I have a a few follies at 10 and 12mm. I should be getting the all clear from the doctor this afternoon and I'll be doing the first bravelle injection tonight. I do that for 3 days and then go back in on Tuesday for my first monitoring appt. That afternoon I have my WTF appt. I REALLY hope this is it for us!! Just glad to be moving on:)

Now I'm off to get ready for my brother's coming home party! Happy Saturday:)

Holy Box O' Meds!

So not only was yesterday day 1 of my new cycle but I also received the box pictured above. Its huge! Inside were boxes upon boxes of Bravelle, along with Prometrium and TONS of needles/ syringes and even my very own sharps box. It also contained my ovidrel trigger shot but that was put in the fridge as soon as J got home. I knew that I'd be getting my meds but I had no idea that it would be so much stuff! It's scary that I will be injecting/inserting all of that stuff into my body. I just hope it's all worth it in the end.

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment. I'm trying to think positively about not having any cysts but I can't say I'll be shocked if I go in and have one. I did the math and if I have to go on BCP's for the next 3 weeks and it's successful in shrinking any cysts, I'll still have a shot at having a May-be. Praying this cycle is a go though because I'd rather have 2 chances at it than just one:P Fingers crossed for the all clear tomorrow!

Below is what was inside of that ginormous box!

IUI #2 - BUST

I had my beta yesterday and as I expected it came back negative. I knew it would and it was only more obvious by the negative tests all weekend. J held out hope and that was the worst part. I had come to terms with yet another cycle failing but he was so hopeful and I feel like I'm letting him down now. I think I handled the news quite well, only cried a few times on my way home and when I saw J. I just don't get why this has to be so hard. Everything was "right" this last cycle so what went wrong?? I've scheduled a WTF appt with my RE for mid August. I'd like to do it sooner but that's his first available appt. In the meantime we're moving onto IUI #3. It's my first just injectibles cycle so we'll see how it goes. I'll be taking Bravelle and going in for more monitoring (though its impossible to do MORE monitoring than I did last cycle). I just hope this cycle is shorter. When it's all said and done this cycle will have been around 40 days... which seems like an eternity.

I'm kind of scared that on my CD3 ultrasound it's going to show a cyst. I've had a twinge on my left side ever since the IUI and I thought it was a good sign but now that the beta is negative, I'm worried it's a cyst. That would be my luck. Finger's crossed that it's nothing and that AF shows up sooner than later. I'd like to get the show on the road!

I think the reason I handled this news so well is that I'm becoming so numb and bitter. Why would it work this time as opposed to the other times we've tried in the past year?? I worry that in the WTF appt my RE is going to suggest moving onto IVF. While I like the odds (60% chance of pregnancy vs. 12% chance with IUI) the cost is astronomical and it's still not a guarantee. I'm not giving up. I WILL have a baby of my own. I just pray that it's before I turn 30. J said 2 years ago that he wanted a "May- be" (may baby) so maybe this cycle will be the one... #3 is also my lucky number and we're on IUI#3. Fingers crossed that this is it!

BFN at 12dpiui

I tested out the trigger on Friday. BFN. That's good right, since I'll know that when I see those 2 lines it's for real. 11dpiui another BFN. That's ok because it's still early. 12dpiui another BFN. I'm crushed. I have no hope for my beta tomorrow. I pray there's a miracle but I doubt it. J has been so supportive and so optimistic but it's almost harder for me because I feel like I'm letting him down. I just want to give him what we both want so badly. Why does it have to be this hard? Why can't I have a baby like everyone else? Why does a teenager who doesn't want a baby or a crack addicted mother get to have a baby and I don't? It's not fair.

I have no idea what we're doing next cycle. I dread seeing another cyst on my CD3 ultrasound. I keep having twinges on my left side and have a feeling it's because of a cyst. I really hope I'm wrong. I don't want to have another month of waiting. J said before we started TTC that he wanted a May-be (May baby). I need to get pregnant this cycle if that's going to happen.

To add to the suckiness of this situation, I've had a headache for the past 3 days. Today's headache turned into a mini migraine so I've done absolutely nothing today. Literally haven't gotten dressed, showered, or even brushed my teeth. I've spent the day laying on the couch watching movies and trashy tv. I guess the plus side is, that since I don't have a baby, I can do that.

I HATE YOU IF. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

Tail end of the 2ww

Today is 8dpiui. I don't feel anything. I had some cramping and twinges earlier in the 2ww but nothing now. I'm not even experiencing crazy sore boobs like I do every other time I've been on the progesterone suppositories. I've been very busy this week which has helped keep me distracted but the rest of the week is pretty low key. I have no hope for this cycle anymore either. Just trying to think of what my next cycle will end up being like:( I hope, by some miracle that I won't have a "next" cycle and that this is just the beginning of a 9 month journey but I highly doubt it. Why would it work now?

On a happier note... My brother returned from Afghanistan today! He's a journalist for the Navy and was stationed in Kabul for the past 7 months. It's so nice to have him home, where I don't have to worry about him as much! Every time I heard of a bombing or soldiers dying in Afghanistan I'd freak out until he posted something on FB to let everyone know he was ok. So glad he's home:)

In other news, we're not dog people yet. I've been dog sitting for my dad while he's on vacation and its going well, but we are NOT home enough. I've been out every night this week and I feel horrible leaving her home all day. It doesn't help that she has to stay in one area of the house because my 3 cats would have heart attacks otherwise but the only time she's out is for the couple hours we're home before going to bed. I think when we have kids we might get a dog (NOT a puppy) because we'd be home more often anyway but for now, I'm sticking with my 3 furball cats:)

J is a rockstar!

I had the IUI this morning. Last time we got 11mil sperm with 75% motility. I was hoping for a little better but would certainly be happy if we had the same today. Well, we got a LOT better:) Today's was 28mil with 95% motility:) SWEET! I'm hoping that increases our chances. I'm a little worried about my estrogen level being so low but I think the RE is relieved that it's on the lower side since I have 3 possible follie's releasing eggs. My lining is awesome at 14.5 so it will be nice and cozy in there. Hopefully I get pregnant because if I don't, AF is going to SUCK SUCK SUCK this time with that much lining to shed.

My beta is 7/19. I'm still debating on whether or not I should test out the trigger or if I want to test early. I'm pretty positive I'll test at 12dpiui (which is on a Sunday) but I'm not sure if I'll test before then. We'll see how crazy I get. Luckily this weekend I'm swamped with things to do and next week I'm dog sitting and have a concert to go to. I'll have to come up with something distracting to do the following weekend:P

I'm feeling very hopeful right now but I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I want to be positive but I don't want to be convinced that this is it and then get devastated yet again. If I do get pregnant this time... my EDD would be March 29th, 2011. Sounds good to me!:)

Fingers crossed!!!!!

FINALLY!

I get to have an IUI tomorrow! This cycle has been ridiculous and was SO close to getting cancelled but in the last second my body got itself together and had 3 "good" follies (18.6, 16 and 15). It's been so crazy this cycle and I was sure it was just going to get cancelled. Even cried most of the way home after my RE's appt on Saturday morning because I still had too many follie's. I'm just so excited right now. I know this isn't a guarantee but just to have a shot at it again would be nice.

I'm hoping the 2ww goes by quickly. I'll be spending the rest of this week preparing for my friends Bridal shower on Saturday and next week I'm dog sitting so I'm hoping it will be my beta day before I know it.... yeah right!:P I'm debating on testing out my trigger. I bought a bunch dollar tree tests so I'm debating on testing it out with those. I don't know if that will drive me more crazy or help keep me sane.

Yay!

What a clusterfvck!

As someone on the bump put it today, my cycle this time has been quite the clusterfvck. I'm going in for my 5th monitoring appt (7th appt since June 14th) tomorrow morning. I took 50mg clomid for days 3-7 and when I went in on CD 9 there were no measurable follicles yet. I went in twice more and finally had a couple around 10mm. I was told to start taking 75iu of Bravelle for 2 nights and then come back in. Did that and the follies grew a little, but not much. Did another 75iu last night. Went in today and the RE said that we're walking a fine line of what we want my follicles to do. We don't want too many to grow but we want a few so the med balance is important. He actually said I would be a really good candidate for IVF because I have 5 follicles all around the same size (ranging from 14mm to 11mm). 5 is too many to trigger and do the IUI because of the chance of multiples.

So I left the appt this morning with the RE telling me that he might have me 1/2 the dose of bravelle and to continue to take it another 3-4 nights. This afternoon I get a call from my nurse and she said that based on my LH level I might actually be starting to ovulate on my own:( She said to do a double dose of bravelle tonight and go back in tomorrow.

UGH. I wish my body would just do what it's supposed to do WHEN it's supposed to do it. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. If I wish for my follicles to grow, too many grow. If I wish for some to stop growing, they all stop growing. If I wish for the IUI to be in a couple days, it's put off a full week, and now longer. If I wish for the IUI to be further off, my body starts to ovulate on it's own.

Oh, and the Bravelle has been "fun" I did enjoy mixing the bravelle powder with sodium chloride the first night but the shot, OUCH. It burned for a good 20 minutes afterward. I'm a pro at it now but it still hurts... a lot. Luckily J gives it to me. I know I could if I had to but it takes away the anxiety of seeing the needle go in my skin.

Here is a picture of the fun!

Hope these follies are growing!

Day 3 b/w and u/s looked good so I was allowed to start this cycle! The stupid cyst is still hanging out but every u/s I do it gets smaller and smaller. I started 50mg clomid that night and took it until CD 7. On CD9 I had my first monitoring appt of the cycle. I fully expected to have at least one mature follicle and be told to trigger and then come back for the IUI a couple days later. That's what's happened every other cycle I've done with the RE so far (minus the IUI part). Well, that's not what happened. Not too much is going on in that lovely ute of mine. The u/s tech said I had a bunch of follies under 10mm starting to grow and that it's probably just too early in the cycle so I'll have to go back for more monitoring. So now I'm going in tomorrow morning for my 2nd appt. I don't expect anything to be mature yet since follie's generally grow 1-2mm a day (less than 10mm plus 4mm at the most= 14 at the most??). I just hope to see something around that size tomorrow. If they haven't grown much since wednesday I'm going to be pretty bummed. My RE has talked about adding Bravelle injections if needed so we'll see if I need them.

I've been reading a lot of TTTC blogs lately and checked a book out from the library about infertility. I have my sad days but having the support from the ladies on the bump and reading about other people's experiences has really helped me. It's crazy how connected you can feel to people you've never met. When the ladies on the bump get their BFP's or have good news I get so excited! It seriously makes my day when I hear good news from one of the ladies on there and I LOVE the 3T graduates posts! When there are BFN's or surgeries or cancelled cycles etc, I get so upset. I love that I have a place to ask questions, voice my frustrations, and vent my irrational thoughts:P I can talk to J about everything, and I try to, but he doesn't experience this the same way I do and I think I scare him with how upset I get at times. TTC is what I think about 99% of the time and I know that's not true for him. I know that's probably true for most Bump ladies though.

I think this blog has become more of a place for me to track my treatments. I want it to be more so I may post about things not related to TTC as well. I am debating on sharing this blog with people IRL. I'm so lucky to have an amazing family and group of friends who support me through this whole process but I don't share how much this effects emotionally me very often. I usually keep it treatment focused and just explain the medicine and procedures I'll be doing. If I even start to discuss how I'm doing emotionally I know I'll break down. I'm holding back tears just writing this. I try to be strong and accept the "it will happen" and "it will be your time soon" comments but every time I hear that I want to cry right then. Every time I get a BFN I try to be strong when I tell people and just say maybe next time but what most people don't know how devastating it is to me each time I see that stark white pee stick. I know I will have a baby, what I don't know is how long it will take to have one and that part scares me. I'm 14 months into this (which compared to many is a short journey) but I can't imagine going through this for another 6 months, or year, or ...

Ok... one that that makes me happy is to look at nursery ideas. I've done it for as long as I can remember and its still one of the few things I can do without getting upset that I don't have a baby of my own yet. A couple months ago I found some nursery bedding that I LOVE. It's pretty unisex (I think) which is what I want so we can reuse it with kid #2 and it's just so stinkin cute:)
J collected turtles for a while and still loves them so this works out perfectly:) So... here it is:)

CD 1

Didn't have to wait long for AF to show up. I'm glad though, I can't wait to start this cycle. I go in on Thursday for baseline u/s bloodwork and then unless I'm told otherwise we're going to try the combination of 50mg clomid/ovidrel/IUI/progesterone again. I'm really hoping that I get some good follies this time. I normally don't have a problem with getting at least 1 good one but nothing ever seems just "right". I'm very concerned about my constantly elevated LH level. I know it can cause miscarriage but I'm wondering how much that is contributing to me not getting PG. I'm also hoping for even better numbers from DH for the IUI this time. Last time we had 11 million (forget the motility # right now). The RE wasn't concerned but I would love to have more just for piece of mind:)

I've already decided that if this cycle doesn't work I'm going to try to set up a WTF appt with the RE to go over everything we've tried and talk about next steps. I'm fine with continuing IUI's but I'm wondering if a different medication would be more beneficial since it will have been 5 rounds of clomid by then. I'm just worried about how well I respond to clomid and what that means for moving on to injectibles. The one time we moved up to 100mg clomid I had 4 mature follies at trigger. They almost didn't let me trigger because of it. With 50 mg I only get about 1 good follie by the time I trigger. I don't know how I'll respond to injectibles though so thats what I want to talk to the RE about.

BUT hopefully I won't need that appt. Hopefully I'll be meeting with him more often because I get a BFP at the end of this cycle:) How's that for some CD 1 optimism!:)

Back from Vacation!

Well, I'm back from vacation and my crazy weekend. I had a lot of fun but I'm completely exhausted.

Tuesday before I left for Orlando I had my cyst checked on and luckily it shrunk... A LOT. Went from the size of a tennis ball to 3X5cm. The RE was ready to start my next cycle right then but because I was leaving for vacation we postponed it until I got back. He just told me to keep taking bcp and hopefully the thing would be gone by the time I got back. This morning I went back to the RE to check on my cyst. The stupid thing is STILL there. Luckily, it's small enough and my estrogen levels are low enough that I can start the next cycle. Just waiting for AF to show up now which hopefully will be in the next day or two since I've been spotting for the past 3 weeks. I'm pretty optimistic about this cycle and hope that this feeling is a good sign.

I'll write more later but I plan to vegg out on the couch most of the evening now:)

Vacations Galore:)

This weekend I'm going to Atlanta to visit one of my best friends. I can't wait! It's going to be nice to get away for a couple of days. Then I have work for 3 days before heading to Orlando for a week with my husbands family. I'm REALLY looking forward to having a week off and hope that I get to relax some. Since I'm still on BCP I can drink as much as I want too:P Yay for summer!

I'm on week 3 of my pills and have to go pick up another pack sometime next week. I couldn't wait any longer and decided to make an U/S appt with RE to check on the progress of my tennis ball:P I just need to manage my expectations for when my next cycle is going to start. I'm also curious to find out what they want to do if it hasn't shrunk at all and I'd like to know BEFORE going away for a week. Emotionally I'm doing better with it all but I think I'm more numb than anything. I'm so sick of waiting!

I know this may be a horrible thing to say but I really want to skip straight to IVF right now. I know of at least 3 people that tried IVF and got pregnant the first time (all recent too). I know they went through everything I'm going through now but I'm just so freaking impatient. Insurance doesn't cover IVF and I certainly don't want to take all the meds and go through each procedure if I could get pregnant with IUI but I'm just frustrated:(

Also, I looked into starting acupuncture and made an appointment for next week. When I talked to the lady she said to double check that our insurance covers it because anyone can find her name on the health insurance directory (which was news to me). I called my ins. company and unfortunately it's not covered... at all. They do have a discount options program where participating acupuncturists give 10-30% off their services but it's not something I'm prepared to shell out the extra money for right now. J was great and said if it's something I really wanted to do and prices were reasonable we could still look into it but for now I'm not going to pursue it. Oh well...

Guess that's it for now. Just praying for great news next tuesday but will enjoy my weekend away in the meantime!:)

1 week down...

So after tonight's pill I've finished the first week of bcp. Only 4 more to go! I'm doing better with everything and am taking advantage of this forced break. It's going to be a hectic next few weeks so it will be nice to not have to worry about when I ovulate and when to schedule the IUI and beta and all that. It's also amazing how much better I feel. My body doesn't really tolerate all the hormones too well. I've gained about 10lbs since starting everything with the RE in January. I'm ALWAYS bloated and my clothes no longer fit. I also had many side effects from the clomid (hot flashes, nightmares, moodiness) and prometrium (sore breasts, moodiness, bloating, etc) so it's nice to not be on either of them. While I can't wait to start the next cycle and I'd rather have the side effects than be on a forced break, it is nice to feel more like me. The only problem I have on bcp is a tendency to get headaches in the evening. I started getting migraines after I went on BCP at 19 and now seem to get them when I'm stressed. After I stopped taking the pill in Aug of 08' there was a noticeable drop in the number of migraines and headaches I got. Hopefully I won't be experiencing any of that on this month of pills. And hopefully this will be the only month of pills I have to take.

I think the hardest part about this is that I have no idea if the cyst is shrinking or not. I work best when I am able to manage my expectations. The reason I took the news of the cyst so poorly is because I REALLY didn't expect it. I take hpt's way too early and up until my beta so I can manage my expectations of a BFP. I hate the not knowing. I wish I could have an in-home ultra sound machine so I could check on it myself every couple of days:P Just praying for the best for now...

So when are you going to have kids?

Luckily I haven't had to hear this question much but recently I hear it a lot. I'm going to be 27 in September and married for 3 years in June so I guess people think its "time". It's such a hard question for me to hear because to the outside world (or at least most of it) it's just assumed that we're not trying yet. But for me when I hear it, its just a reminder of how long we've been trying. It sucks. I usually just answer "hopefully soon" and leave it at that. For my closer friends and family, I've said "we're trying but my body isn't cooperating" and leave it at that. I think most people get the picture and then that way they know not to keep asking me.

On top of finding out about the stupid cyst and going on bcp for a month, I've had 4 different people ask me when I'm going to start having kids this week. Out of any week in the past 13 months of us trying, it had to be the week when I'm on bcp and on a forced break. Grrrr!

Today I talked to one of my friends from high school. We were best friends for a long time and grew apart as the years and school and location separated us but we try to stay in touch. She asked a few months ago about when we were going to have kids and I gave my usual "we're trying but its taking longer than expected" schpeel (sp?) but she asked how things were going again today. I don't mind talking to her about it but I didn't go into great detail about everything we've been doing. She asked me if I ever thought about charting and if I had heard of the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". She said one of her friends was charting and taking her temperature as a birth control method and accidentally got pregnant (missed a high temp or something). It was just funny to me because I'm so far past that stage but at the same time it was comforting to hear other people doing that and to hear that it's something she thought about doing when she eventually started ttc. I told her she could have my copy of TCOYF when it was time and highly suggested charting so I'll have to see if it's something she ends up doing. I made sure to tell her that the 28 day cycle with day 14 ovulation was a load of crap and that if she started charting before actually ttc she'd have a much better idea of her cycle and the optimum timing. I'm glad I can be knowledgeable about it all but I really wish that I was one of those people that could just think about being pregnant and end up with a baby 9 months later. I wish I had the naiveté that some people get to enjoy.

Tennis Ball

So I got really bad news at my monitoring appointment yesterday. When doing the u/s we found a GIGANTIC cyst on my left ovary. I really mean huge too. It was 6.8cmX5.2cm which is the size of a tennis ball. I was sent to get blood work to determine if the cyst was estrogen feeding or not. If it wasn't, I was instructed to start clomid that night. If it was, I was instructed to to fill a prescription for birth control pills and take them for a month. The bcp should help shrink the cyst. And, with my luck I had to fill the bcp prescription:( What made it all worse was that I couldn't even hold myself together until I left the office. I started crying when I got my blood drawn and just looked like a complete idiot. The nurse was very understanding and nice about it but I just felt ridiculous. I know that a month isn't that long to wait in the scheme of things but I remember taking birth control for 2 weeks between one of my cycles and it almost killed me. A month of it is going to be really hard.

On top of that, I'll be on vacation the week I should be getting AF so I have to take an extra week of the pills to make sure I'm home in time to get CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. I'm trying to think positive about it all and I guess it will be good that I can drink while on a trip to visit a friend in Atlanta on Memorial Day weekend and I won't have to worry about going on any of the rides while in Orlando. That's only minimally comforting though:(

I hate you IF and all your unexpected new "developments".

My First Post!

I've gone back and forth a lot recently about making a blog. Mainly because I don't think anything I have to say is so interesting that it warrants an entire blog but I think it will help me with my frustrations with infertility.

That's right, I'm infertile-- or so says my medical diagnosis. J and I have been on quite a journey so far and I can only hope and pray that the journey will soon result in a pregnancy. I figure I should give a little bit of background info and then see where this thing takes me.

Let's see.... J and I met the day I moved into my college dorm freshman year. He was helping my new room mate move in. Over the months and years we became really good friends and after almost 4 years of friendship we started dating. We got engaged in July 2006 and married June 16, 2007. It was one of the happiest days of my lives and I would relive it over and over if I could (just the day, not the planning!). We decided before getting married that we would wait at least 2 years before starting to have kids.

I went off birth control in August of 2008 so that my cycle would be "regulated" before we started to try. I also had a feeling that it wasn't going to be so simple so I wanted to figure out what was going on with my body. I went on birth control at 19 because my periods were extremely irregular. My gyn at the time said birth control would fix that and never mentioned that it could be a problem in the future. So, it wasn't very surprising when I went off the pill and didn't get my period again for 6 months. I actually called my gyn after about 3 months and asked if it was normal but was reassured that since I had just gone off the pill, it was. After another 3 months (6 month mark) I scheduled an appointment with my gyn to figure out what was going on with my cycle and also have a "preconception" visit. She told me that I probably was ovulating but just not getting a regular period. She said I was still young so there's tons of time. She prescribed provera to induce my period and her advice for J and I was to try, and try A LOT. Not exactly what I wanted to hear since I had a sinking feeling that it wasn't going to be that simple.

After a summer of trying and trying and not getting my period again since taking provera I made an appointment with a new gyn for my yearly exam. Over the summer I had started charting so I'd have "ammo" to go into the appointment with and prove to the doctors that I wasn't ovulating. Luckily, I didn't even have to bring it out. The new gyn listened to my concerns, ordered a bunch of bloodwork and did an ultrasound. Based on the b/w results and ultrasound I had classic PCOS symptoms. EEEK. He prescribed me clomid in November and said if I'm not pregnant at the end of the month to call him and we'll try again. After taking the clomid, researching it more, and not getting pregnant, I made an appointment with an RE. In December J and I met with the RE to get our full medical history, more bloodwork, an HSG and SA for J. In January we started my first monitored cycle of clomid, ovidrel and progesterone suppositories. Negative in January.

RE gave me 2 weeks of birth control to take in between the next cycle so I didn't get to try again until March. This time it was 100mg clomid, ovidrel and progesterone. Again negative. In April we were going to try 50 mg clomid, ovidrel and progesterone with a possibility of bravelle to boost the follicles. I went in on day 9 and had 1 good follicle and was already starting to ovulate so my first IUI was scheduled for the next day. I was so excited and thought "this is it!" but at 12dpo I got a negative hpt and at 14dpo I got a negative beta.

So after alllll that, we're up to now. I'm on CD2 today and go in tomorrow for my first monitoring appt of the cycle. I'm praying that it's all clear and if so I'll start 50mg clomid tomorrow night.

I guess that's it for now. I have a lot more to say but I can save that for tomorrow or another day:) Thanks for reading!