Break Cycle Hell

I'm stuck in limbo but I'm already in my 2nd of 3 weeks of BCP's. The beginning of last week sucked and I just felt depressed and like I didn't want to do anything. As the week went on it got a little better and I'm doing MUCH better now. Still irritated but I've been busy and trying to focus on other things so that helps.

Ironically, one of the things that I've been "distracted" by was the birth of my 2nd cousin. She was born last Thursday so I went to visit her in the hospital, then visited with them on Saturday and then again today. I spent part of today shopping with my cousin to get props so I can do a newborn photo shoot for them next week. Holding that sweet baby girl has been surprisingly comforting. I'm not nearly as jealous or neurotic as I expected to be and I absolutely love being around my cousin and her little girl. I changed the baby today and my aunt commented on how "natural" motherhood came to me. Not the first time I've heard that and it just makes me excited for the day when I actually become a mother myself.

Other than that, I've been in last minute planning stages for my best friends bachelorette party next weekend. I'm now excited to be able to drink as much as I want that weekend. I don't have to worry about awkwardly explaining why I'm not drinking and I don't have to worry about giving myself shots or anything like that that weekend.

I'm excited for next month as well. I feel like it's going to fly by and luckily (as long as all is well at my baseline appt) I'll be able to do the IUI without it interfering with anything. The best part is that I'll have so much going on that the 2ww will be full of distractions! Just have to get there first! I have so many things to look forward to next month! Bachelorette party, visit to OH to visit a lifelong friend, Baby shower (actually excited since I'll get to see family I haven't seen in forever), Best friends wedding, BEACH for a week in OBX!! Awesomeness:)

Oh! And I talked to J about changing our medical coverage for next year. Currently our insurance doesn't cover IVF but I read on J's company's website that they cover 4 IVF rounds. We have to wait until October to see what our medical insurance options are and I'm praying that we find one that actually does cover IVF. Well in talking to J tonight, he's very confident that one will, it's just a matter of signing up for it. That makes me feel MUCH better about this whole thing. I'm semi-confident that one of the next 3 IUI's will work BUT if they don't, knowing that insurance covers IVF will make me a little less upset. Also, if the timing works out, I probably won't have to wait for the insurance to kick in since the IUI cycles/birth control cycle for IVF would fill up the next few months. I'd love to not have to use that but it would be nice to not worry about it.

I apologize if I don't post much in the next couple weeks. I've been pretty busy and with being on BCP there isn't much to update. Hope everyone is doing great and I just want to give a shoutout to all the ladies on the Bump that have gotten their BFP's this month!! Congrats ladies:)

Forced Break cycle

I had my baseline ultrasound on Monday morning. I was so excited to get the next cycle started and loved that I only waited 1 day for AF to show up. September is going to be crazy busy for us so I was excited to get one more cycle in before all the chaos.

I went in, the tech stuck the dildo cam up my vag and I saw it. I saw a glimpse of it. My heart sank as she found my ute and measured my lining. Then, she moved the cam slightly to the right and there it was. Another HUGE freaking cyst (this time its 4cm x 4cm). I know what that means and my pissed off at the worldness gets worse. She tries to comfort me and then prints out pictures of the cyst to show the doctor. When I walk out of the room he says "Well there's good news and bad news. The good news is that this means you ovulated and you ovulated well. The bad news is that not every ovulation results in a pregnancy (no shit sherlock) and that you'll need to take a cycle off so the cyst will shrink" I already knew the bad news part and honestly, the "good" news part didn't make me feel any better. I still didn't get pregnant and to make things worse, it resulted in me NOT getting pregnant this month either. He put me on birth control for 3 weeks and told me to come back in when AF shows up again. I held it together as the nurse gave me the prescription and as all the ladies waiting for u/s stared at me wondering why I was so upset. I held it together as I paid my copay. I held it together as I walked to my car. The minute I got into my car I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop. I cried on and off the entire way to work. I stopped crying long enough to call J and let him know the news but got off the phone pretty quickly because I was going to start crying again. When I got into work I would tear up almost every time I said something out-loud. It's really hard NOT to think about so I'd cry any time I thought about it (which was a lot). I told a couple friends and they were amazing. SO supportive and frustrated right along with me. I'm so thankful that I have people I can share this journey with. I cried because of their amazing support:(

As the day went on I tried to stop crying and to think of the positives of the situation. Originally I was freaking out that we'd have to take September off too since we're going to be out of town 3 out of the 4 weekends in September. Luckily, after pouring over my calendar, it should work. I just hope my body keeps things moving at a quick pace (IUI anywhere between CD 10-17 would be perfect). So I was happy about that. Over Labor Day weekend I'm going to OC for my best friends bachelorette party. If we had proceeded with this cycle I would have been in my 2ww and wouldn't be drinking. That would have been pretty tricky to explain and not something I was looking forward to dealing with. That said, I would have LOVED to have had to deal with it. Instead, I can drink as much as I want and it won't matter. There's not even a minuscule chance that I'd be pregnant that weekend. So... bring on the liquor!

Now I'm 2 pills into my 3 weeks of pills and while I'm not any happier about the situation, I don't cry about it anymore. This whole process has been so emotionally draining and to have set backs like this makes it even worse. I hate "sitting on the bench" more than anything and that's what I'll be doing for the next 3 weeks:( UGH.

Be Careful What You Wish For!

So I got the results of my beta yesterday afternoon and all I could hope for was my next cycle to start as soon as possible. I hate that period of time from when you find out you're not pregnant but can't start your next chance to get pregnant (next cycle) until you period starts. It's like sitting on the bench, which I HATE. I always want to be doing something to be trying to get pregnant and the limbo between negative beta and my period showing up is the worst for me. It's why I look forward to my period each month because I know thats the beginning of my next shot at getting pregnant.

Well I got my wish. Today is CD1. WOW did she show up with a vengance. J and I were out shopping this afternoon when she showed up and the cramps were so bad that I didn't even want to go into the LOFT. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and take some advil! BUT... I'll take it... Monday morning I get to go in for my baseline appt and barring any horrible news (like having a cyst) I'll start my next round of injections:) Let the fun begin!

This evening we babysat for some friends while they went out to celebrate their anniversary. They have a 7 month old boy. I was a little nervous about how he would handle his mom not being around since it's the first time both mom and dad haven't been around. He did GREAT though! Didn't cry once the whole night. Ate all of his food with no problem (rice cereal apparently isn't his favorite but he ate it like a champ!). Other than a little explosive diaper episode the night was a breeze and I was in baby heaven as he fell asleep on my chest after playing all night. Luckily our friend did pretty well too. She wasn't loving the idea of leaving him but she enjoyed dinner and just gave extra snuggles when she got home. I had so much fun tonight but most of the evening I couldn't help but think "Why can't I have a baby of my own... I'm so good at this!" Maybe this cycle?? We really want a May-By:)

Oh... and since I do this every cycle, if I got pregnant this month I'd be due May 21, 2011. Perfect! Bring it on:)

Big Fat Fvcking NEGATIVE

UGHHHHHHH. I hate Friday the 13th! I knew that it was negative since the tests I've taken over the past 2 days were negative as well but I'm still pissed off. I'm not even sad today, just pissed off at the world. I haven't cried once today (which is good since I normally cry on and off all day the day of my beta) but I'm just so annoyed:( I know I have to be patient and that our time will come... but it's been 16 months of waiting. I'm pretty sure my friends are going to have their 2nd kids by the time I get pregnant!

Praying my period will show her pretty face asap. I want to get the next cycle going asap because I'll be out of town labor day weekend and I don't want the IUI screwing with that.

Hope you're having a better Friday than me!

Longest 2 week wait of my life!

The past week and a half has dragged on FOREVER. It feels like my IUI was 2 months ago at this point and the wait to find out if I'm pregnant is now driving me crazy. I still don't really have any symptoms. Every now and then I'll get a twinge in my uterus or feel nauseous for no reason, or even think I have super-human sense of smell. YES I realize that those last 2 aren't pregnancy symptoms until you're a lot further along and that they are just phantom symptoms designed to torture me. I usually try to ignore my body during the 2 week wait but this is getting a little ridiculous. I just want it to be friday already! I tested yesterday morning at 9dpiui to make sure the trigger was out and that little pee stick was stark white. I'm not sure when I'm going to test again. We'll see if I have the will power to make it to 12dpiui which would be Thursday.

Ready to fast forward to Friday!

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin', Planning and dreamin' each night

In honor of Dinner for Schmucks I use this title. Yes the song has nothing to do with infertility and the line is incomplete but those lines describe exactly what these past few days have been like for me. I'm currently 4dpiui. The IUI on Saturday was fine. I was a little annoyed because I had to go down to Rockville since the IUI was on the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I was VERY happy that I didn't have to take off work AGAIN but it took up most of our day. Luckily since it was the weekend J went with me. His sample drop off time was at 11 and the IUI was at 12:30. After the drop off we had lunch and got a speaker dock for our iPhones. Then, we went back to the office so I could get sperminated:P J's sample was pretty good again. This time he had 25mil sperm post wash and 78% motility. When he heard what it was he was a little disappointed because he had done so well last time but I tried to reassure him that those were still great numbers. So I'm hoping I had 3 follie's release eggs. J is way more into getting it "done" this time and has been telling ME when we're supposed to have sex. I appreciate the change and I pray that I'll have good news for him next week.

My beta is on Friday the 13th. I'm trying to think of it as a lucky day for us and it's also our niece's birthday. Currently I'm having a few phantom symptoms but I'm not paying attention to them. I have sore breasts (started at 2dpiui so I know it's just the progesterone I'm taking) as well as some cramping and twinges around my ovaries. It fluctuates which side but it happens at least 2-3 times a day. That happened last cycle as well and obviously it didn't mean anything so I'm not going to think it means anything now either.

I bought more FRER tests today since they were on sale but I need to go to the dollar store and get more tests soon. I think I'm going to start testing on Tuesday. Partially to test out the trigger and partially to ease the let down of a potential BFN. I feel like this week is dragging on but we'll be busy all weekend so hopefully that will help the time pass more quickly. We're going to my niece's birthday party this weekend. I'm excited but I dread the possibility of my sister-in-laws friends asking me (again) when we're going to start trying to have kids. At her 4th birthday party last year I had imagined having a baby in my arms at her 5th birthday party. Yet another example of how much IF sucks.

For now I'm just Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',Planning and dreamin' each night....