Well Christmas has come and gone this year. It has such build up and then flies by and before I know it I'm looking BACK on it. Like today, the day after christmas. We spent this year visiting with all our families. Started the celebrations at my dads the weekend before Christmas. Had a blast rough housing with my brothers and just hanging out with everyone. Then after another week of work we went to mom 1's for Christmas eve. Got to hang out with that side of the family, snuggle with my 4 month old cousin and do our gift exchange. That night we drove down to J's parents house to spend the night. Woke up early christmas morning and exchanged gifts before heading over to mom 2's to celebrate with that side. Had tons of fun with them, saw "Little Fockers", and had dinner. After that we headed back over to J's family's house. We were supposed to celebrate with his sister/brother in law and our nieces today but because of the snow they cancelled coming down and we drove home last night:( I spent the day putting things away and preparing for our holiday party. It's been another wonderful year and I LOVE that we get to see everyone!
Despite the awesomeness of it all, I couldn't help but hope and pray it was our last as a childless couple. I've been on provera and finished my last pill last night. I've been spotting the entire time I was on the pill so I'm hoping AF comes soon so I can start BCP's. I am definitely at the age where people start or continue to have kids but I feel like every time someone has a baby, I find out about someone else who is announcing their pregnancy. It's never ending updates and countdowns. I love it for them but it feels like I'm constantly being lapped. I realize that getting pregnant is not a competition but it's getting harder to hear about the babies being born to someone else. My "aunt" just had her baby today. She posted pics on facebook and it just hit me so hard. I just said to J "I really want a baby". He just looked at me with these sad eyes and said "I know, me too".
The other night we were driving home from somewhere and after hearing a song on the radio J just said something about really hoping this IVF cycle worked. He didn't say anything else and I had expected him to elaborate some but he didn't. And when I looked over he was tearing up. I HATE that this is what IF is doing to him. I want to give him a baby more than anything in this world. I can't wait to make him a father. I pray that 2011 is our year and that by mid February we'll get to see those beautiful 2 lines or the word "pregnant". I want to spend 2011 planning for our baby and then at the end of the year celebrating halloween, thanksgiving and christmas with our baby. I need this to be our last christmas without a baby. I don't even want to imagine a life where it's not:(
The other thing that IF has stolen from us is our ability to plan our lives. While at my dad's my siblings decided to plan a ski trip for sometime in January or February. We all went to Killington a few years ago and it was a lot of fun. While we weren't trying to plan something as extravagant, IF still crept its way into screwing with the plans. As you can imagine trying to plan a day when 6 people are all free was quite difficult. I stayed pretty quiet while they all chose days because from the start they wanted to plan it for at the end of January. If all goes as planned, I'll be nearing the end of our first IVF cycle at that time. I finally spoke up after J convinced me I should. I just said that I couldn't do that and of course my brothers were like WHY NOT?? I said I just couldn't but I don't really know when I can. After trying to guesstimate on my own I told them any time before the 22nd. Hopefully that's right? We eventually settled on the 18th. That's just a small example of how IF screws with our ability to plan. I'm a planner so it sucks!
So anyway. Merry Christmas to you all. Hopefully you have a fantastic new year. I'm just hoping AF shows up tomorrow!:P
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