Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin', Planning and dreamin' each night

In honor of Dinner for Schmucks I use this title. Yes the song has nothing to do with infertility and the line is incomplete but those lines describe exactly what these past few days have been like for me. I'm currently 4dpiui. The IUI on Saturday was fine. I was a little annoyed because I had to go down to Rockville since the IUI was on the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I was VERY happy that I didn't have to take off work AGAIN but it took up most of our day. Luckily since it was the weekend J went with me. His sample drop off time was at 11 and the IUI was at 12:30. After the drop off we had lunch and got a speaker dock for our iPhones. Then, we went back to the office so I could get sperminated:P J's sample was pretty good again. This time he had 25mil sperm post wash and 78% motility. When he heard what it was he was a little disappointed because he had done so well last time but I tried to reassure him that those were still great numbers. So I'm hoping I had 3 follie's release eggs. J is way more into getting it "done" this time and has been telling ME when we're supposed to have sex. I appreciate the change and I pray that I'll have good news for him next week.

My beta is on Friday the 13th. I'm trying to think of it as a lucky day for us and it's also our niece's birthday. Currently I'm having a few phantom symptoms but I'm not paying attention to them. I have sore breasts (started at 2dpiui so I know it's just the progesterone I'm taking) as well as some cramping and twinges around my ovaries. It fluctuates which side but it happens at least 2-3 times a day. That happened last cycle as well and obviously it didn't mean anything so I'm not going to think it means anything now either.

I bought more FRER tests today since they were on sale but I need to go to the dollar store and get more tests soon. I think I'm going to start testing on Tuesday. Partially to test out the trigger and partially to ease the let down of a potential BFN. I feel like this week is dragging on but we'll be busy all weekend so hopefully that will help the time pass more quickly. We're going to my niece's birthday party this weekend. I'm excited but I dread the possibility of my sister-in-laws friends asking me (again) when we're going to start trying to have kids. At her 4th birthday party last year I had imagined having a baby in my arms at her 5th birthday party. Yet another example of how much IF sucks.

For now I'm just Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',Planning and dreamin' each night....

IUI #3 Scheduled

I triggered last night for my IUI tomorrow! I love that this cycle wasn't forever long. It seems really fast but I'll take it! Yesterday I had 3 follies that would likely release an egg. One already mature at 18.9, one at 15.9 and one at 15.2. Hopefully the last two catch up just to up my chances but I'm hopeful with the one already being mature. My lining was good at 10.1 and my estrogen was 201. That's the only number I was worried about but I've been reassured that its perfectly fine so I'm trying not to stress.

So tomorrow morning we have to drop the sample off at 11am. I'm so glad I don't have to miss work but since the IUI is on a weekend I have to go to the office that's an hour away as opposed to the one that's 15 minutes away. J didn't want to go to the office to give his sample so we get to carefully transport it to Rockville:P Then my IUI procedure is scheduled for 12:30. Luckily J is going with me so I think we might get lunch or something like that between the drop off and IUI time.

Fingers crossed that this is the lucky cycle!!:) This 2 week wait is going to drive me crazy! I think I'm going to have to go to the dollar store again and get some more tests.

Day full of Doctor's Visits...

This morning I had my first monitoring appointment for the cycle. It's only CD 6 so I knew not to expect anything to be mature yet but luckily I have a few promising follie's (largest already at 15mm!) My RE came into the ultra sound with me and started talking to me about what to expect for the next few cycles and talked a little bit about IVF with me. He offered to meet with me right then but he was "on call" with all the other women getting monitoring done so I decided to wait until my appt at 2:45 so we wouldn't be interrupted.

After the doctors appointment I went to my cousin's house to see her nursery and baby gear. Her baby shower was this past weekend so I was excited to see everything together and set up in the room. It was adorable of course and made me excited for the day when I get to decorate a nursery and have a house full of "gear". Then I met a friend and her 6month old son for lunch at P.F. Changs. It was delicious and fun to play with him:)

Later I went to my appointment with the RE. I was pretty nervous because IVF had been mentioned a few times so I was hoping he wasn't going to say that was the direction we should go. I think the nurse was a little confused about why I wanted to meet and actually had a packet of information on IVF ready for me including a prescription for BCP's. EEEK! Thankfully, I went in to talk to the RE and while he didn't have an explanation for why the past cycles haven't worked yet, he was very optimistic about it working at some point. He said we're basically playing at chance right now and while it hasn't worked yet, I have ovulated each cycle and that was the issue. 85% of couples conceive within 6 months of trying. Right now we're on cycle #5 with help (which is what counts since before I wasn't ever ovulating). My insurance covers up to 6 IUI's so he suggested exhausting those before moving onto IVF. That was my plan anyway but he was pretty confident that it would work eventually and we may not even need IVF. He's already happy with how this cycle is going too which makes me feel good (especially since the last cycle was HORRIBLE). So I left feeling encouraged and with a renewed "I can do this!" attitude. More than anything he stressed that if I feel like I'm getting to the point where I can't continue because of what it's doing to me emotionally, I need to let him know and we could discuss moving onto IVF since it has a much higher success rate. BUT if I could tough it out and keep going with what we're doing, he thinks we'll be successful. SO... good news for that.

And right before I left he told me to do one more vial of bravelle tonight and come back in the morning. He predicted 3 more nights of injections before it was time to trigger. If that's true, that would be perfect since the IUI would be this weekend! I'd love it if I didn't have to take off more time from work:)

So all in all a good day. Tonight I had to give myself my first injection. Up until now J has been doing them for me. I syke myself out too much and just don't feel like I can do it myself but he's out at a movie with a friend tonight so I didn't have a choice. It actually went pretty well and I'm confident I could do it for myself from now on if needed. Hoping for good news tomorrow morning!:)

IUI #3 Here I come!

My baseline appointment was this morning and thankfully there were NO cysts to be found. I've been convinced that I had at least one on each side but the tech said that the twinges I was feeling was probably because I have a a few follies at 10 and 12mm. I should be getting the all clear from the doctor this afternoon and I'll be doing the first bravelle injection tonight. I do that for 3 days and then go back in on Tuesday for my first monitoring appt. That afternoon I have my WTF appt. I REALLY hope this is it for us!! Just glad to be moving on:)

Now I'm off to get ready for my brother's coming home party! Happy Saturday:)

Holy Box O' Meds!

So not only was yesterday day 1 of my new cycle but I also received the box pictured above. Its huge! Inside were boxes upon boxes of Bravelle, along with Prometrium and TONS of needles/ syringes and even my very own sharps box. It also contained my ovidrel trigger shot but that was put in the fridge as soon as J got home. I knew that I'd be getting my meds but I had no idea that it would be so much stuff! It's scary that I will be injecting/inserting all of that stuff into my body. I just hope it's all worth it in the end.

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment. I'm trying to think positively about not having any cysts but I can't say I'll be shocked if I go in and have one. I did the math and if I have to go on BCP's for the next 3 weeks and it's successful in shrinking any cysts, I'll still have a shot at having a May-be. Praying this cycle is a go though because I'd rather have 2 chances at it than just one:P Fingers crossed for the all clear tomorrow!

Below is what was inside of that ginormous box!

IUI #2 - BUST

I had my beta yesterday and as I expected it came back negative. I knew it would and it was only more obvious by the negative tests all weekend. J held out hope and that was the worst part. I had come to terms with yet another cycle failing but he was so hopeful and I feel like I'm letting him down now. I think I handled the news quite well, only cried a few times on my way home and when I saw J. I just don't get why this has to be so hard. Everything was "right" this last cycle so what went wrong?? I've scheduled a WTF appt with my RE for mid August. I'd like to do it sooner but that's his first available appt. In the meantime we're moving onto IUI #3. It's my first just injectibles cycle so we'll see how it goes. I'll be taking Bravelle and going in for more monitoring (though its impossible to do MORE monitoring than I did last cycle). I just hope this cycle is shorter. When it's all said and done this cycle will have been around 40 days... which seems like an eternity.

I'm kind of scared that on my CD3 ultrasound it's going to show a cyst. I've had a twinge on my left side ever since the IUI and I thought it was a good sign but now that the beta is negative, I'm worried it's a cyst. That would be my luck. Finger's crossed that it's nothing and that AF shows up sooner than later. I'd like to get the show on the road!

I think the reason I handled this news so well is that I'm becoming so numb and bitter. Why would it work this time as opposed to the other times we've tried in the past year?? I worry that in the WTF appt my RE is going to suggest moving onto IVF. While I like the odds (60% chance of pregnancy vs. 12% chance with IUI) the cost is astronomical and it's still not a guarantee. I'm not giving up. I WILL have a baby of my own. I just pray that it's before I turn 30. J said 2 years ago that he wanted a "May- be" (may baby) so maybe this cycle will be the one... #3 is also my lucky number and we're on IUI#3. Fingers crossed that this is it!

BFN at 12dpiui

I tested out the trigger on Friday. BFN. That's good right, since I'll know that when I see those 2 lines it's for real. 11dpiui another BFN. That's ok because it's still early. 12dpiui another BFN. I'm crushed. I have no hope for my beta tomorrow. I pray there's a miracle but I doubt it. J has been so supportive and so optimistic but it's almost harder for me because I feel like I'm letting him down. I just want to give him what we both want so badly. Why does it have to be this hard? Why can't I have a baby like everyone else? Why does a teenager who doesn't want a baby or a crack addicted mother get to have a baby and I don't? It's not fair.

I have no idea what we're doing next cycle. I dread seeing another cyst on my CD3 ultrasound. I keep having twinges on my left side and have a feeling it's because of a cyst. I really hope I'm wrong. I don't want to have another month of waiting. J said before we started TTC that he wanted a May-be (May baby). I need to get pregnant this cycle if that's going to happen.

To add to the suckiness of this situation, I've had a headache for the past 3 days. Today's headache turned into a mini migraine so I've done absolutely nothing today. Literally haven't gotten dressed, showered, or even brushed my teeth. I've spent the day laying on the couch watching movies and trashy tv. I guess the plus side is, that since I don't have a baby, I can do that.

I HATE YOU IF. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!