Never thought we'd end up here

This last cycle was a big fat NEGATIVO. Meaning that despite having 4-5 follies released and over 30 million spermies trying to meet the egg, my fvcking body can't get its act together enough to have even 1 fertilize/implant. RAFREAKINGDICULOUS.

Thankfully we have IVF to fall back on. I was very excited about it but right now I'm pissed off. If you asked me last year when we first met with the RE if we'd be here I thought there was no chance. I remember thinking, well good... I can just take this pill and that will get me pregnant (clomid). I remember being so excited that I'd be pregnant this year (2010). I was so naive and so stupid.

I stupidly looked up my phantom due date each month and fantasized about when to tell my family the great news. I stupidly thought it would work "this time" because the dosage was changed, or the sperm count was better, or I had more follicles... or ??? I stupidly talked about it constantly in the beginning because it was all so new and so hopeful. I stupidly picked out baby names and bought diaper bags because we'd need all that stuff soon anyway right?

So STUPID. Now we're doing IVF. Last stop. Last chance (x4). I'm putting everything I have into it and I hope I don't come out of it with another post like this.

We don't start until January because that's when the insurance kicks over but I will start birth control in December. Our odds of it working are 50%. Way better than the measly 12-20% chance of each IUI. I'm "lucky" in that I've done IUI's with injectibles before because I know what to expect for IVF. It's a few more meds and one intramuscular shot. I can handle that. The egg retrieval surgery is outpatient and I was told I could likely go back to work the next day (we'll see). Then depending on the quality of the embryo's we'll transfer either 1 or 2 back (likely 1). Piece of cake right? Yeah... so STUPID I bet:(

I'm so hopeful and yet so scared that we'll find out that something else is wrong with me which is what's been preventing me from getting pregnant all this time. But, for now, I'm going to enjoy my med freeish next month. I will still be taking , prenatal vitamins, Metformin and the BCP's once they start but otherwise, I'm med free. No shots, no bloodwork, no ultrasounds! If I had the option I'd jump right into the IVF cycle now but since I don't have that option, I'm going to enjoy the perks of not worrying about it all.