IUI #3 Here I come!

My baseline appointment was this morning and thankfully there were NO cysts to be found. I've been convinced that I had at least one on each side but the tech said that the twinges I was feeling was probably because I have a a few follies at 10 and 12mm. I should be getting the all clear from the doctor this afternoon and I'll be doing the first bravelle injection tonight. I do that for 3 days and then go back in on Tuesday for my first monitoring appt. That afternoon I have my WTF appt. I REALLY hope this is it for us!! Just glad to be moving on:)

Now I'm off to get ready for my brother's coming home party! Happy Saturday:)

Holy Box O' Meds!

So not only was yesterday day 1 of my new cycle but I also received the box pictured above. Its huge! Inside were boxes upon boxes of Bravelle, along with Prometrium and TONS of needles/ syringes and even my very own sharps box. It also contained my ovidrel trigger shot but that was put in the fridge as soon as J got home. I knew that I'd be getting my meds but I had no idea that it would be so much stuff! It's scary that I will be injecting/inserting all of that stuff into my body. I just hope it's all worth it in the end.

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment. I'm trying to think positively about not having any cysts but I can't say I'll be shocked if I go in and have one. I did the math and if I have to go on BCP's for the next 3 weeks and it's successful in shrinking any cysts, I'll still have a shot at having a May-be. Praying this cycle is a go though because I'd rather have 2 chances at it than just one:P Fingers crossed for the all clear tomorrow!

Below is what was inside of that ginormous box!

IUI #2 - BUST

I had my beta yesterday and as I expected it came back negative. I knew it would and it was only more obvious by the negative tests all weekend. J held out hope and that was the worst part. I had come to terms with yet another cycle failing but he was so hopeful and I feel like I'm letting him down now. I think I handled the news quite well, only cried a few times on my way home and when I saw J. I just don't get why this has to be so hard. Everything was "right" this last cycle so what went wrong?? I've scheduled a WTF appt with my RE for mid August. I'd like to do it sooner but that's his first available appt. In the meantime we're moving onto IUI #3. It's my first just injectibles cycle so we'll see how it goes. I'll be taking Bravelle and going in for more monitoring (though its impossible to do MORE monitoring than I did last cycle). I just hope this cycle is shorter. When it's all said and done this cycle will have been around 40 days... which seems like an eternity.

I'm kind of scared that on my CD3 ultrasound it's going to show a cyst. I've had a twinge on my left side ever since the IUI and I thought it was a good sign but now that the beta is negative, I'm worried it's a cyst. That would be my luck. Finger's crossed that it's nothing and that AF shows up sooner than later. I'd like to get the show on the road!

I think the reason I handled this news so well is that I'm becoming so numb and bitter. Why would it work this time as opposed to the other times we've tried in the past year?? I worry that in the WTF appt my RE is going to suggest moving onto IVF. While I like the odds (60% chance of pregnancy vs. 12% chance with IUI) the cost is astronomical and it's still not a guarantee. I'm not giving up. I WILL have a baby of my own. I just pray that it's before I turn 30. J said 2 years ago that he wanted a "May- be" (may baby) so maybe this cycle will be the one... #3 is also my lucky number and we're on IUI#3. Fingers crossed that this is it!

BFN at 12dpiui

I tested out the trigger on Friday. BFN. That's good right, since I'll know that when I see those 2 lines it's for real. 11dpiui another BFN. That's ok because it's still early. 12dpiui another BFN. I'm crushed. I have no hope for my beta tomorrow. I pray there's a miracle but I doubt it. J has been so supportive and so optimistic but it's almost harder for me because I feel like I'm letting him down. I just want to give him what we both want so badly. Why does it have to be this hard? Why can't I have a baby like everyone else? Why does a teenager who doesn't want a baby or a crack addicted mother get to have a baby and I don't? It's not fair.

I have no idea what we're doing next cycle. I dread seeing another cyst on my CD3 ultrasound. I keep having twinges on my left side and have a feeling it's because of a cyst. I really hope I'm wrong. I don't want to have another month of waiting. J said before we started TTC that he wanted a May-be (May baby). I need to get pregnant this cycle if that's going to happen.

To add to the suckiness of this situation, I've had a headache for the past 3 days. Today's headache turned into a mini migraine so I've done absolutely nothing today. Literally haven't gotten dressed, showered, or even brushed my teeth. I've spent the day laying on the couch watching movies and trashy tv. I guess the plus side is, that since I don't have a baby, I can do that.

I HATE YOU IF. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

Tail end of the 2ww

Today is 8dpiui. I don't feel anything. I had some cramping and twinges earlier in the 2ww but nothing now. I'm not even experiencing crazy sore boobs like I do every other time I've been on the progesterone suppositories. I've been very busy this week which has helped keep me distracted but the rest of the week is pretty low key. I have no hope for this cycle anymore either. Just trying to think of what my next cycle will end up being like:( I hope, by some miracle that I won't have a "next" cycle and that this is just the beginning of a 9 month journey but I highly doubt it. Why would it work now?

On a happier note... My brother returned from Afghanistan today! He's a journalist for the Navy and was stationed in Kabul for the past 7 months. It's so nice to have him home, where I don't have to worry about him as much! Every time I heard of a bombing or soldiers dying in Afghanistan I'd freak out until he posted something on FB to let everyone know he was ok. So glad he's home:)

In other news, we're not dog people yet. I've been dog sitting for my dad while he's on vacation and its going well, but we are NOT home enough. I've been out every night this week and I feel horrible leaving her home all day. It doesn't help that she has to stay in one area of the house because my 3 cats would have heart attacks otherwise but the only time she's out is for the couple hours we're home before going to bed. I think when we have kids we might get a dog (NOT a puppy) because we'd be home more often anyway but for now, I'm sticking with my 3 furball cats:)

J is a rockstar!

I had the IUI this morning. Last time we got 11mil sperm with 75% motility. I was hoping for a little better but would certainly be happy if we had the same today. Well, we got a LOT better:) Today's was 28mil with 95% motility:) SWEET! I'm hoping that increases our chances. I'm a little worried about my estrogen level being so low but I think the RE is relieved that it's on the lower side since I have 3 possible follie's releasing eggs. My lining is awesome at 14.5 so it will be nice and cozy in there. Hopefully I get pregnant because if I don't, AF is going to SUCK SUCK SUCK this time with that much lining to shed.

My beta is 7/19. I'm still debating on whether or not I should test out the trigger or if I want to test early. I'm pretty positive I'll test at 12dpiui (which is on a Sunday) but I'm not sure if I'll test before then. We'll see how crazy I get. Luckily this weekend I'm swamped with things to do and next week I'm dog sitting and have a concert to go to. I'll have to come up with something distracting to do the following weekend:P

I'm feeling very hopeful right now but I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I want to be positive but I don't want to be convinced that this is it and then get devastated yet again. If I do get pregnant this time... my EDD would be March 29th, 2011. Sounds good to me!:)

Fingers crossed!!!!!

FINALLY!

I get to have an IUI tomorrow! This cycle has been ridiculous and was SO close to getting cancelled but in the last second my body got itself together and had 3 "good" follies (18.6, 16 and 15). It's been so crazy this cycle and I was sure it was just going to get cancelled. Even cried most of the way home after my RE's appt on Saturday morning because I still had too many follie's. I'm just so excited right now. I know this isn't a guarantee but just to have a shot at it again would be nice.

I'm hoping the 2ww goes by quickly. I'll be spending the rest of this week preparing for my friends Bridal shower on Saturday and next week I'm dog sitting so I'm hoping it will be my beta day before I know it.... yeah right!:P I'm debating on testing out my trigger. I bought a bunch dollar tree tests so I'm debating on testing it out with those. I don't know if that will drive me more crazy or help keep me sane.

Yay!