My IVF cycle has officially started...kinda:P

So I've been spotting for weeks now and while I'm not 100% sure when CD1 was, I'm counting it as the day that the spotting seemed a little heavier than normal:P So, today is CD 3. I called my nurse to get dated for IVF and I start birth control tomorrow night!!! I hate that I have another 21 days to wait before everything else starts but at least I'm getting closer to everything:) My nurse ordered my meds and I should get them by the end of the week (thankfully it'll be Jan 1 when I start bcp's so insurance hopefully won't be an issue). I also scheduled my mock transfer for 1/7... this (or next if you're J;)) Friday!!! J and I have to go through all the paperwork for deciding what to do with any extra embryo's (fingers crossed) that we have and sign all the consent forms so I'm hoping he'll come with me to my appt on the 7th so we can do that. Then it's a couple more weeks before stims start. My family will be happy to know I can go on that ski trip:P

This is what my nurse sent me... med list and then protocol with est. dates:
21 days of Birth Control pills
Ganirelix or Cetrocide
Bravelle and Menopur
Lupron for Trigger
Zithromax (have to look up what this is for)
Estrace
Endometrin suppositories
Prenatal vitamin

1/1-1/21- Birth Control Pills
1/7- Mock Transfer
1/22- Pre IVF evaluation bloodwork (E2, P4, beta) and ultrasound
1/25- If all is normal on the 22nd, start stims (150 bravelle/75 menopur)
Once follicles >14mm start ganirelix
2/4- approximate trigger
2/6- approximate Egg Retrieval
2/9 or 2/11- approximate egg transfer

Looked up my estimated due date for IVF protocol and if the ER is on the 6th my EDD would be Oct 30! Happy Halloween;)

I am SO freaking excited!!! J is so nervous and still seems so upset about all this. I'm just hoping things go smoothly and we get some great news mid February. :) Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas has come and gone this year. It has such build up and then flies by and before I know it I'm looking BACK on it. Like today, the day after christmas. We spent this year visiting with all our families. Started the celebrations at my dads the weekend before Christmas. Had a blast rough housing with my brothers and just hanging out with everyone. Then after another week of work we went to mom 1's for Christmas eve. Got to hang out with that side of the family, snuggle with my 4 month old cousin and do our gift exchange. That night we drove down to J's parents house to spend the night. Woke up early christmas morning and exchanged gifts before heading over to mom 2's to celebrate with that side. Had tons of fun with them, saw "Little Fockers", and had dinner. After that we headed back over to J's family's house. We were supposed to celebrate with his sister/brother in law and our nieces today but because of the snow they cancelled coming down and we drove home last night:( I spent the day putting things away and preparing for our holiday party. It's been another wonderful year and I LOVE that we get to see everyone!

Despite the awesomeness of it all, I couldn't help but hope and pray it was our last as a childless couple. I've been on provera and finished my last pill last night. I've been spotting the entire time I was on the pill so I'm hoping AF comes soon so I can start BCP's. I am definitely at the age where people start or continue to have kids but I feel like every time someone has a baby, I find out about someone else who is announcing their pregnancy. It's never ending updates and countdowns. I love it for them but it feels like I'm constantly being lapped. I realize that getting pregnant is not a competition but it's getting harder to hear about the babies being born to someone else. My "aunt" just had her baby today. She posted pics on facebook and it just hit me so hard. I just said to J "I really want a baby". He just looked at me with these sad eyes and said "I know, me too".

The other night we were driving home from somewhere and after hearing a song on the radio J just said something about really hoping this IVF cycle worked. He didn't say anything else and I had expected him to elaborate some but he didn't. And when I looked over he was tearing up. I HATE that this is what IF is doing to him. I want to give him a baby more than anything in this world. I can't wait to make him a father. I pray that 2011 is our year and that by mid February we'll get to see those beautiful 2 lines or the word "pregnant". I want to spend 2011 planning for our baby and then at the end of the year celebrating halloween, thanksgiving and christmas with our baby. I need this to be our last christmas without a baby. I don't even want to imagine a life where it's not:(

The other thing that IF has stolen from us is our ability to plan our lives. While at my dad's my siblings decided to plan a ski trip for sometime in January or February. We all went to Killington a few years ago and it was a lot of fun. While we weren't trying to plan something as extravagant, IF still crept its way into screwing with the plans. As you can imagine trying to plan a day when 6 people are all free was quite difficult. I stayed pretty quiet while they all chose days because from the start they wanted to plan it for at the end of January. If all goes as planned, I'll be nearing the end of our first IVF cycle at that time. I finally spoke up after J convinced me I should. I just said that I couldn't do that and of course my brothers were like WHY NOT?? I said I just couldn't but I don't really know when I can. After trying to guesstimate on my own I told them any time before the 22nd. Hopefully that's right? We eventually settled on the 18th. That's just a small example of how IF screws with our ability to plan. I'm a planner so it sucks!

So anyway. Merry Christmas to you all. Hopefully you have a fantastic new year. I'm just hoping AF shows up tomorrow!:P

A step closer...

Had my non menses check this morning and as suspected, nothing is going on with those lovely ovaries of mine. Lots of antral follicles but non seeming to want to do ANYTHING. My lining was still kind of thick so I have to go on provera to get my period and then on day 3 I'll start bcp's.

Just a short update but that's where I am... 10 days of provera before starting bcp's which officially starts my IVF cycle:)

Allllmost there..

After the last cycle ended and after I got most of my pissed offed ness over with... I enjoyed Thanksgiving and an amazing week catching up with old friends and my crazy family:) We've stayed busy and will continue our crazy busy lives through the new year. My upcoming IVF cycle has been on my mind but not nearly the way I expected it to be. My biggest concern is that AF wouldn't show up within a month and it would delay when I could start BCP's and therefore delay the IVF cycle. I called my nurse earlier this week and she said that I can come in next week for a "non menses" check up. If everything looks ok then I can start provera that night to induce my period. Once AF shows, I get to start BCP's for IVF! I can't wait:) I really can't wait to get the schedule. I'm going nuts not knowing when things will be (I know it's tentative but even that's better than me guessing right now). So I'm enjoying my last few med free days. Enjoying my weekend where I plan to drink A LOT. Enjoying my Christmas celebrations that start next week.

I'm determined to enjoy my last Christmas with Jason as a childless couple. Yes I would have enjoyed having a baby or being pregnant this Christmas but I'm confident this will be our last so I want to make the most of it. I'm determined to make 2011 a better year and one that doesn't revolve around doctors appointments, shots, dildo cams, and turkey basters. I'm hoping it will be filled with picking out baby names, designing a nursery, u/s appts to look at the baby growing inside me, and welcoming a sweet baby into our lives. I.can't.wait!

Happy Holidays everyone!!:)

Never thought we'd end up here

This last cycle was a big fat NEGATIVO. Meaning that despite having 4-5 follies released and over 30 million spermies trying to meet the egg, my fvcking body can't get its act together enough to have even 1 fertilize/implant. RAFREAKINGDICULOUS.

Thankfully we have IVF to fall back on. I was very excited about it but right now I'm pissed off. If you asked me last year when we first met with the RE if we'd be here I thought there was no chance. I remember thinking, well good... I can just take this pill and that will get me pregnant (clomid). I remember being so excited that I'd be pregnant this year (2010). I was so naive and so stupid.

I stupidly looked up my phantom due date each month and fantasized about when to tell my family the great news. I stupidly thought it would work "this time" because the dosage was changed, or the sperm count was better, or I had more follicles... or ??? I stupidly talked about it constantly in the beginning because it was all so new and so hopeful. I stupidly picked out baby names and bought diaper bags because we'd need all that stuff soon anyway right?

So STUPID. Now we're doing IVF. Last stop. Last chance (x4). I'm putting everything I have into it and I hope I don't come out of it with another post like this.

We don't start until January because that's when the insurance kicks over but I will start birth control in December. Our odds of it working are 50%. Way better than the measly 12-20% chance of each IUI. I'm "lucky" in that I've done IUI's with injectibles before because I know what to expect for IVF. It's a few more meds and one intramuscular shot. I can handle that. The egg retrieval surgery is outpatient and I was told I could likely go back to work the next day (we'll see). Then depending on the quality of the embryo's we'll transfer either 1 or 2 back (likely 1). Piece of cake right? Yeah... so STUPID I bet:(

I'm so hopeful and yet so scared that we'll find out that something else is wrong with me which is what's been preventing me from getting pregnant all this time. But, for now, I'm going to enjoy my med freeish next month. I will still be taking , prenatal vitamins, Metformin and the BCP's once they start but otherwise, I'm med free. No shots, no bloodwork, no ultrasounds! If I had the option I'd jump right into the IVF cycle now but since I don't have that option, I'm going to enjoy the perks of not worrying about it all.

8dpo

I have 2 posts that I want to do but I feel like crap today so I'm going to hold off on them. I'm 8dpo today and don't really have any symptoms other than the fact that I'm nauseous all.the.time the past 2 days. I know it could be some kind of bug or the progesterone so I doubt it has to do with anything pregnancy wise, it just sucks:( I don't know when I'm going to test yet. We'll be with J's family all weekend so I don't know if I want to test this weekend. Either way, I don't want to have to hide how I'm feeling around them. I will probably wait until Monday to test but part of me thinks if I waited that long, why not just wait till my beta on Tuesday. So... I don't know yet:P

We had our IVF consult with the doctor on Monday (1 of the other posts I'll do) and he *knocked on wood* hoping we just got pregnant with 1 this cycle. I probably released at least 3 eggs so he's concerned, especially since J's numbers were so good. We'll see. I just hope it works this time!!

Fingers crossed...

Gold Star!

I had my 6th and final IUI this morning. I triggered 2 nights ago. That morning I had lots of follies. On the right side I had one at 18.4, one at 17.0, one at 16.9, and one at 15.0. On the left I had one at 16.8 and 14.9 and 13.2. I think I'll have 3 maybe 4 mature follies... hopefully. I don't want multiples but I want as many targets as possible:P J's sample was AWESOME this morning. He had 36 mil total sperm with 86% motility:) That's his best sample yet! The nurse and doctor were impressed and the nurse suggested putting a gold star on the printout of the sperm wash stats:P

I'm really happy today and have a lot of hope for this cycle. My beta is on the 23rd and I know it's going to be a long 2 weeks. I just pray that this works and I pray that the threat of IVF has made my body get its act together:P

Fingers crossed!!!!