Tail end of the 2ww

Today is 8dpiui. I don't feel anything. I had some cramping and twinges earlier in the 2ww but nothing now. I'm not even experiencing crazy sore boobs like I do every other time I've been on the progesterone suppositories. I've been very busy this week which has helped keep me distracted but the rest of the week is pretty low key. I have no hope for this cycle anymore either. Just trying to think of what my next cycle will end up being like:( I hope, by some miracle that I won't have a "next" cycle and that this is just the beginning of a 9 month journey but I highly doubt it. Why would it work now?

On a happier note... My brother returned from Afghanistan today! He's a journalist for the Navy and was stationed in Kabul for the past 7 months. It's so nice to have him home, where I don't have to worry about him as much! Every time I heard of a bombing or soldiers dying in Afghanistan I'd freak out until he posted something on FB to let everyone know he was ok. So glad he's home:)

In other news, we're not dog people yet. I've been dog sitting for my dad while he's on vacation and its going well, but we are NOT home enough. I've been out every night this week and I feel horrible leaving her home all day. It doesn't help that she has to stay in one area of the house because my 3 cats would have heart attacks otherwise but the only time she's out is for the couple hours we're home before going to bed. I think when we have kids we might get a dog (NOT a puppy) because we'd be home more often anyway but for now, I'm sticking with my 3 furball cats:)

J is a rockstar!

I had the IUI this morning. Last time we got 11mil sperm with 75% motility. I was hoping for a little better but would certainly be happy if we had the same today. Well, we got a LOT better:) Today's was 28mil with 95% motility:) SWEET! I'm hoping that increases our chances. I'm a little worried about my estrogen level being so low but I think the RE is relieved that it's on the lower side since I have 3 possible follie's releasing eggs. My lining is awesome at 14.5 so it will be nice and cozy in there. Hopefully I get pregnant because if I don't, AF is going to SUCK SUCK SUCK this time with that much lining to shed.

My beta is 7/19. I'm still debating on whether or not I should test out the trigger or if I want to test early. I'm pretty positive I'll test at 12dpiui (which is on a Sunday) but I'm not sure if I'll test before then. We'll see how crazy I get. Luckily this weekend I'm swamped with things to do and next week I'm dog sitting and have a concert to go to. I'll have to come up with something distracting to do the following weekend:P

I'm feeling very hopeful right now but I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I want to be positive but I don't want to be convinced that this is it and then get devastated yet again. If I do get pregnant this time... my EDD would be March 29th, 2011. Sounds good to me!:)

Fingers crossed!!!!!

FINALLY!

I get to have an IUI tomorrow! This cycle has been ridiculous and was SO close to getting cancelled but in the last second my body got itself together and had 3 "good" follies (18.6, 16 and 15). It's been so crazy this cycle and I was sure it was just going to get cancelled. Even cried most of the way home after my RE's appt on Saturday morning because I still had too many follie's. I'm just so excited right now. I know this isn't a guarantee but just to have a shot at it again would be nice.

I'm hoping the 2ww goes by quickly. I'll be spending the rest of this week preparing for my friends Bridal shower on Saturday and next week I'm dog sitting so I'm hoping it will be my beta day before I know it.... yeah right!:P I'm debating on testing out my trigger. I bought a bunch dollar tree tests so I'm debating on testing it out with those. I don't know if that will drive me more crazy or help keep me sane.

Yay!

What a clusterfvck!

As someone on the bump put it today, my cycle this time has been quite the clusterfvck. I'm going in for my 5th monitoring appt (7th appt since June 14th) tomorrow morning. I took 50mg clomid for days 3-7 and when I went in on CD 9 there were no measurable follicles yet. I went in twice more and finally had a couple around 10mm. I was told to start taking 75iu of Bravelle for 2 nights and then come back in. Did that and the follies grew a little, but not much. Did another 75iu last night. Went in today and the RE said that we're walking a fine line of what we want my follicles to do. We don't want too many to grow but we want a few so the med balance is important. He actually said I would be a really good candidate for IVF because I have 5 follicles all around the same size (ranging from 14mm to 11mm). 5 is too many to trigger and do the IUI because of the chance of multiples.

So I left the appt this morning with the RE telling me that he might have me 1/2 the dose of bravelle and to continue to take it another 3-4 nights. This afternoon I get a call from my nurse and she said that based on my LH level I might actually be starting to ovulate on my own:( She said to do a double dose of bravelle tonight and go back in tomorrow.

UGH. I wish my body would just do what it's supposed to do WHEN it's supposed to do it. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. If I wish for my follicles to grow, too many grow. If I wish for some to stop growing, they all stop growing. If I wish for the IUI to be in a couple days, it's put off a full week, and now longer. If I wish for the IUI to be further off, my body starts to ovulate on it's own.

Oh, and the Bravelle has been "fun" I did enjoy mixing the bravelle powder with sodium chloride the first night but the shot, OUCH. It burned for a good 20 minutes afterward. I'm a pro at it now but it still hurts... a lot. Luckily J gives it to me. I know I could if I had to but it takes away the anxiety of seeing the needle go in my skin.

Here is a picture of the fun!

Hope these follies are growing!

Day 3 b/w and u/s looked good so I was allowed to start this cycle! The stupid cyst is still hanging out but every u/s I do it gets smaller and smaller. I started 50mg clomid that night and took it until CD 7. On CD9 I had my first monitoring appt of the cycle. I fully expected to have at least one mature follicle and be told to trigger and then come back for the IUI a couple days later. That's what's happened every other cycle I've done with the RE so far (minus the IUI part). Well, that's not what happened. Not too much is going on in that lovely ute of mine. The u/s tech said I had a bunch of follies under 10mm starting to grow and that it's probably just too early in the cycle so I'll have to go back for more monitoring. So now I'm going in tomorrow morning for my 2nd appt. I don't expect anything to be mature yet since follie's generally grow 1-2mm a day (less than 10mm plus 4mm at the most= 14 at the most??). I just hope to see something around that size tomorrow. If they haven't grown much since wednesday I'm going to be pretty bummed. My RE has talked about adding Bravelle injections if needed so we'll see if I need them.

I've been reading a lot of TTTC blogs lately and checked a book out from the library about infertility. I have my sad days but having the support from the ladies on the bump and reading about other people's experiences has really helped me. It's crazy how connected you can feel to people you've never met. When the ladies on the bump get their BFP's or have good news I get so excited! It seriously makes my day when I hear good news from one of the ladies on there and I LOVE the 3T graduates posts! When there are BFN's or surgeries or cancelled cycles etc, I get so upset. I love that I have a place to ask questions, voice my frustrations, and vent my irrational thoughts:P I can talk to J about everything, and I try to, but he doesn't experience this the same way I do and I think I scare him with how upset I get at times. TTC is what I think about 99% of the time and I know that's not true for him. I know that's probably true for most Bump ladies though.

I think this blog has become more of a place for me to track my treatments. I want it to be more so I may post about things not related to TTC as well. I am debating on sharing this blog with people IRL. I'm so lucky to have an amazing family and group of friends who support me through this whole process but I don't share how much this effects emotionally me very often. I usually keep it treatment focused and just explain the medicine and procedures I'll be doing. If I even start to discuss how I'm doing emotionally I know I'll break down. I'm holding back tears just writing this. I try to be strong and accept the "it will happen" and "it will be your time soon" comments but every time I hear that I want to cry right then. Every time I get a BFN I try to be strong when I tell people and just say maybe next time but what most people don't know how devastating it is to me each time I see that stark white pee stick. I know I will have a baby, what I don't know is how long it will take to have one and that part scares me. I'm 14 months into this (which compared to many is a short journey) but I can't imagine going through this for another 6 months, or year, or ...

Ok... one that that makes me happy is to look at nursery ideas. I've done it for as long as I can remember and its still one of the few things I can do without getting upset that I don't have a baby of my own yet. A couple months ago I found some nursery bedding that I LOVE. It's pretty unisex (I think) which is what I want so we can reuse it with kid #2 and it's just so stinkin cute:)
J collected turtles for a while and still loves them so this works out perfectly:) So... here it is:)

CD 1

Didn't have to wait long for AF to show up. I'm glad though, I can't wait to start this cycle. I go in on Thursday for baseline u/s bloodwork and then unless I'm told otherwise we're going to try the combination of 50mg clomid/ovidrel/IUI/progesterone again. I'm really hoping that I get some good follies this time. I normally don't have a problem with getting at least 1 good one but nothing ever seems just "right". I'm very concerned about my constantly elevated LH level. I know it can cause miscarriage but I'm wondering how much that is contributing to me not getting PG. I'm also hoping for even better numbers from DH for the IUI this time. Last time we had 11 million (forget the motility # right now). The RE wasn't concerned but I would love to have more just for piece of mind:)

I've already decided that if this cycle doesn't work I'm going to try to set up a WTF appt with the RE to go over everything we've tried and talk about next steps. I'm fine with continuing IUI's but I'm wondering if a different medication would be more beneficial since it will have been 5 rounds of clomid by then. I'm just worried about how well I respond to clomid and what that means for moving on to injectibles. The one time we moved up to 100mg clomid I had 4 mature follies at trigger. They almost didn't let me trigger because of it. With 50 mg I only get about 1 good follie by the time I trigger. I don't know how I'll respond to injectibles though so thats what I want to talk to the RE about.

BUT hopefully I won't need that appt. Hopefully I'll be meeting with him more often because I get a BFP at the end of this cycle:) How's that for some CD 1 optimism!:)

Back from Vacation!

Well, I'm back from vacation and my crazy weekend. I had a lot of fun but I'm completely exhausted.

Tuesday before I left for Orlando I had my cyst checked on and luckily it shrunk... A LOT. Went from the size of a tennis ball to 3X5cm. The RE was ready to start my next cycle right then but because I was leaving for vacation we postponed it until I got back. He just told me to keep taking bcp and hopefully the thing would be gone by the time I got back. This morning I went back to the RE to check on my cyst. The stupid thing is STILL there. Luckily, it's small enough and my estrogen levels are low enough that I can start the next cycle. Just waiting for AF to show up now which hopefully will be in the next day or two since I've been spotting for the past 3 weeks. I'm pretty optimistic about this cycle and hope that this feeling is a good sign.

I'll write more later but I plan to vegg out on the couch most of the evening now:)