What a clusterfvck!

As someone on the bump put it today, my cycle this time has been quite the clusterfvck. I'm going in for my 5th monitoring appt (7th appt since June 14th) tomorrow morning. I took 50mg clomid for days 3-7 and when I went in on CD 9 there were no measurable follicles yet. I went in twice more and finally had a couple around 10mm. I was told to start taking 75iu of Bravelle for 2 nights and then come back in. Did that and the follies grew a little, but not much. Did another 75iu last night. Went in today and the RE said that we're walking a fine line of what we want my follicles to do. We don't want too many to grow but we want a few so the med balance is important. He actually said I would be a really good candidate for IVF because I have 5 follicles all around the same size (ranging from 14mm to 11mm). 5 is too many to trigger and do the IUI because of the chance of multiples.

So I left the appt this morning with the RE telling me that he might have me 1/2 the dose of bravelle and to continue to take it another 3-4 nights. This afternoon I get a call from my nurse and she said that based on my LH level I might actually be starting to ovulate on my own:( She said to do a double dose of bravelle tonight and go back in tomorrow.

UGH. I wish my body would just do what it's supposed to do WHEN it's supposed to do it. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. If I wish for my follicles to grow, too many grow. If I wish for some to stop growing, they all stop growing. If I wish for the IUI to be in a couple days, it's put off a full week, and now longer. If I wish for the IUI to be further off, my body starts to ovulate on it's own.

Oh, and the Bravelle has been "fun" I did enjoy mixing the bravelle powder with sodium chloride the first night but the shot, OUCH. It burned for a good 20 minutes afterward. I'm a pro at it now but it still hurts... a lot. Luckily J gives it to me. I know I could if I had to but it takes away the anxiety of seeing the needle go in my skin.

Here is a picture of the fun!

Hope these follies are growing!

Day 3 b/w and u/s looked good so I was allowed to start this cycle! The stupid cyst is still hanging out but every u/s I do it gets smaller and smaller. I started 50mg clomid that night and took it until CD 7. On CD9 I had my first monitoring appt of the cycle. I fully expected to have at least one mature follicle and be told to trigger and then come back for the IUI a couple days later. That's what's happened every other cycle I've done with the RE so far (minus the IUI part). Well, that's not what happened. Not too much is going on in that lovely ute of mine. The u/s tech said I had a bunch of follies under 10mm starting to grow and that it's probably just too early in the cycle so I'll have to go back for more monitoring. So now I'm going in tomorrow morning for my 2nd appt. I don't expect anything to be mature yet since follie's generally grow 1-2mm a day (less than 10mm plus 4mm at the most= 14 at the most??). I just hope to see something around that size tomorrow. If they haven't grown much since wednesday I'm going to be pretty bummed. My RE has talked about adding Bravelle injections if needed so we'll see if I need them.

I've been reading a lot of TTTC blogs lately and checked a book out from the library about infertility. I have my sad days but having the support from the ladies on the bump and reading about other people's experiences has really helped me. It's crazy how connected you can feel to people you've never met. When the ladies on the bump get their BFP's or have good news I get so excited! It seriously makes my day when I hear good news from one of the ladies on there and I LOVE the 3T graduates posts! When there are BFN's or surgeries or cancelled cycles etc, I get so upset. I love that I have a place to ask questions, voice my frustrations, and vent my irrational thoughts:P I can talk to J about everything, and I try to, but he doesn't experience this the same way I do and I think I scare him with how upset I get at times. TTC is what I think about 99% of the time and I know that's not true for him. I know that's probably true for most Bump ladies though.

I think this blog has become more of a place for me to track my treatments. I want it to be more so I may post about things not related to TTC as well. I am debating on sharing this blog with people IRL. I'm so lucky to have an amazing family and group of friends who support me through this whole process but I don't share how much this effects emotionally me very often. I usually keep it treatment focused and just explain the medicine and procedures I'll be doing. If I even start to discuss how I'm doing emotionally I know I'll break down. I'm holding back tears just writing this. I try to be strong and accept the "it will happen" and "it will be your time soon" comments but every time I hear that I want to cry right then. Every time I get a BFN I try to be strong when I tell people and just say maybe next time but what most people don't know how devastating it is to me each time I see that stark white pee stick. I know I will have a baby, what I don't know is how long it will take to have one and that part scares me. I'm 14 months into this (which compared to many is a short journey) but I can't imagine going through this for another 6 months, or year, or ...

Ok... one that that makes me happy is to look at nursery ideas. I've done it for as long as I can remember and its still one of the few things I can do without getting upset that I don't have a baby of my own yet. A couple months ago I found some nursery bedding that I LOVE. It's pretty unisex (I think) which is what I want so we can reuse it with kid #2 and it's just so stinkin cute:)
J collected turtles for a while and still loves them so this works out perfectly:) So... here it is:)

CD 1

Didn't have to wait long for AF to show up. I'm glad though, I can't wait to start this cycle. I go in on Thursday for baseline u/s bloodwork and then unless I'm told otherwise we're going to try the combination of 50mg clomid/ovidrel/IUI/progesterone again. I'm really hoping that I get some good follies this time. I normally don't have a problem with getting at least 1 good one but nothing ever seems just "right". I'm very concerned about my constantly elevated LH level. I know it can cause miscarriage but I'm wondering how much that is contributing to me not getting PG. I'm also hoping for even better numbers from DH for the IUI this time. Last time we had 11 million (forget the motility # right now). The RE wasn't concerned but I would love to have more just for piece of mind:)

I've already decided that if this cycle doesn't work I'm going to try to set up a WTF appt with the RE to go over everything we've tried and talk about next steps. I'm fine with continuing IUI's but I'm wondering if a different medication would be more beneficial since it will have been 5 rounds of clomid by then. I'm just worried about how well I respond to clomid and what that means for moving on to injectibles. The one time we moved up to 100mg clomid I had 4 mature follies at trigger. They almost didn't let me trigger because of it. With 50 mg I only get about 1 good follie by the time I trigger. I don't know how I'll respond to injectibles though so thats what I want to talk to the RE about.

BUT hopefully I won't need that appt. Hopefully I'll be meeting with him more often because I get a BFP at the end of this cycle:) How's that for some CD 1 optimism!:)

Back from Vacation!

Well, I'm back from vacation and my crazy weekend. I had a lot of fun but I'm completely exhausted.

Tuesday before I left for Orlando I had my cyst checked on and luckily it shrunk... A LOT. Went from the size of a tennis ball to 3X5cm. The RE was ready to start my next cycle right then but because I was leaving for vacation we postponed it until I got back. He just told me to keep taking bcp and hopefully the thing would be gone by the time I got back. This morning I went back to the RE to check on my cyst. The stupid thing is STILL there. Luckily, it's small enough and my estrogen levels are low enough that I can start the next cycle. Just waiting for AF to show up now which hopefully will be in the next day or two since I've been spotting for the past 3 weeks. I'm pretty optimistic about this cycle and hope that this feeling is a good sign.

I'll write more later but I plan to vegg out on the couch most of the evening now:)

Vacations Galore:)

This weekend I'm going to Atlanta to visit one of my best friends. I can't wait! It's going to be nice to get away for a couple of days. Then I have work for 3 days before heading to Orlando for a week with my husbands family. I'm REALLY looking forward to having a week off and hope that I get to relax some. Since I'm still on BCP I can drink as much as I want too:P Yay for summer!

I'm on week 3 of my pills and have to go pick up another pack sometime next week. I couldn't wait any longer and decided to make an U/S appt with RE to check on the progress of my tennis ball:P I just need to manage my expectations for when my next cycle is going to start. I'm also curious to find out what they want to do if it hasn't shrunk at all and I'd like to know BEFORE going away for a week. Emotionally I'm doing better with it all but I think I'm more numb than anything. I'm so sick of waiting!

I know this may be a horrible thing to say but I really want to skip straight to IVF right now. I know of at least 3 people that tried IVF and got pregnant the first time (all recent too). I know they went through everything I'm going through now but I'm just so freaking impatient. Insurance doesn't cover IVF and I certainly don't want to take all the meds and go through each procedure if I could get pregnant with IUI but I'm just frustrated:(

Also, I looked into starting acupuncture and made an appointment for next week. When I talked to the lady she said to double check that our insurance covers it because anyone can find her name on the health insurance directory (which was news to me). I called my ins. company and unfortunately it's not covered... at all. They do have a discount options program where participating acupuncturists give 10-30% off their services but it's not something I'm prepared to shell out the extra money for right now. J was great and said if it's something I really wanted to do and prices were reasonable we could still look into it but for now I'm not going to pursue it. Oh well...

Guess that's it for now. Just praying for great news next tuesday but will enjoy my weekend away in the meantime!:)

1 week down...

So after tonight's pill I've finished the first week of bcp. Only 4 more to go! I'm doing better with everything and am taking advantage of this forced break. It's going to be a hectic next few weeks so it will be nice to not have to worry about when I ovulate and when to schedule the IUI and beta and all that. It's also amazing how much better I feel. My body doesn't really tolerate all the hormones too well. I've gained about 10lbs since starting everything with the RE in January. I'm ALWAYS bloated and my clothes no longer fit. I also had many side effects from the clomid (hot flashes, nightmares, moodiness) and prometrium (sore breasts, moodiness, bloating, etc) so it's nice to not be on either of them. While I can't wait to start the next cycle and I'd rather have the side effects than be on a forced break, it is nice to feel more like me. The only problem I have on bcp is a tendency to get headaches in the evening. I started getting migraines after I went on BCP at 19 and now seem to get them when I'm stressed. After I stopped taking the pill in Aug of 08' there was a noticeable drop in the number of migraines and headaches I got. Hopefully I won't be experiencing any of that on this month of pills. And hopefully this will be the only month of pills I have to take.

I think the hardest part about this is that I have no idea if the cyst is shrinking or not. I work best when I am able to manage my expectations. The reason I took the news of the cyst so poorly is because I REALLY didn't expect it. I take hpt's way too early and up until my beta so I can manage my expectations of a BFP. I hate the not knowing. I wish I could have an in-home ultra sound machine so I could check on it myself every couple of days:P Just praying for the best for now...

So when are you going to have kids?

Luckily I haven't had to hear this question much but recently I hear it a lot. I'm going to be 27 in September and married for 3 years in June so I guess people think its "time". It's such a hard question for me to hear because to the outside world (or at least most of it) it's just assumed that we're not trying yet. But for me when I hear it, its just a reminder of how long we've been trying. It sucks. I usually just answer "hopefully soon" and leave it at that. For my closer friends and family, I've said "we're trying but my body isn't cooperating" and leave it at that. I think most people get the picture and then that way they know not to keep asking me.

On top of finding out about the stupid cyst and going on bcp for a month, I've had 4 different people ask me when I'm going to start having kids this week. Out of any week in the past 13 months of us trying, it had to be the week when I'm on bcp and on a forced break. Grrrr!

Today I talked to one of my friends from high school. We were best friends for a long time and grew apart as the years and school and location separated us but we try to stay in touch. She asked a few months ago about when we were going to have kids and I gave my usual "we're trying but its taking longer than expected" schpeel (sp?) but she asked how things were going again today. I don't mind talking to her about it but I didn't go into great detail about everything we've been doing. She asked me if I ever thought about charting and if I had heard of the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". She said one of her friends was charting and taking her temperature as a birth control method and accidentally got pregnant (missed a high temp or something). It was just funny to me because I'm so far past that stage but at the same time it was comforting to hear other people doing that and to hear that it's something she thought about doing when she eventually started ttc. I told her she could have my copy of TCOYF when it was time and highly suggested charting so I'll have to see if it's something she ends up doing. I made sure to tell her that the 28 day cycle with day 14 ovulation was a load of crap and that if she started charting before actually ttc she'd have a much better idea of her cycle and the optimum timing. I'm glad I can be knowledgeable about it all but I really wish that I was one of those people that could just think about being pregnant and end up with a baby 9 months later. I wish I had the naiveté that some people get to enjoy.